Excuses, Reasons and an Explaination

 Hi y'all!

As you all, my life is a completely atrocious wonderful mess and I am not going to brood on how I came to that state in the first place. I'm tired of living in the past memories that brings in sadness.

I was fired, I went on a mini-episode of depression as to why I was fired even though I did and gave my best to the company.

To be very honest and raw with y'all, I did slack starting mid-August. Well, there was this post on LinkedIn that went like, "You are valuable to the company as long as you value their time and efforts with you"

Well, I didn't feel like I was valued there, the CEO of my workspace was too busy with everything and management sucked but I understand that it was a start-up. They needed some space to grow and stabilize all at the same time.

But everything changed ever since Sahil Khanna came in and it went bad. I had faults in my part too, but to be fired? And on top of that to say that they were 'restructuring the content-design team' was utter bullcrap.

Anyways, I must admit although I did want to resign sometime in late December or so, I didn't expect myself to be put in a sudden spot of unemployment... that followed with a fortnight of depression and job hunting. Existing was hard, every single day.

And even before I know it, it was October and we were on a trip to Vrindavan.

Although the original plan was to visit Nani and tour the reins of Maa Durga or Maa Kali, i.e. Ma wanted to see Vaishnodevi whereas I wanted to see Durga Ashtami in Kolkata. (Remember I said October? Yeah, it was near Navratri. and thus such a plan.)

We came towards Haridwar and Hrishikesh for Ganga Snan (Bathing in the Ganges, which is considered Holy, as Maa Ganga in the Aqua form washes away our sins.)

Since we had been so close, we also decided to visit Shimla. My plan; Big mistake.

I roamed the lanes of Shimla, all by myself and the bus driver who kept a distance of 2-3 places behind me. I honestly don't even remember how he came to follow me but I do remember the fact that Di had called him, not me, him; and in response, he remarked sarcastically about me. I was there. I heard it all. I knew I had to go back as soon as possible and I did,

The only thing I remember was I had a slap on my face. I didn't speak much from there onward. I narrated the entire event's incidents to Ma. She scolded. I missed the sunrise of Shimla as if that could make anything better. I spoke very little since then - I guess I've spoken not much since then at all.

This swiftly went by, the month of October... the month of sadness, less speech and being broke.

As soon as we arrived back home, we knew there was hardly any time left for Deepawali, which was followed by my besties' brothers' wedding at a 4-day interval.

We spent the first few days to regain the facts of the entire ' Navratri Trip' - I cannot listen to 'Aaoge Jab Tum Ho Saajana' by Rahet Fateh Ali Khan anymore without thinking about the sad memories from the Shimla trip. [I found a new love in Music - Nikhil D'souza. Gosh, he be amazing! <3]

Nonetheless, Deepawali and the wedding kept us busy until Mum's flight back to Sharjah.

We, Me and Di took our time to settle in the fact that we are now alone. The maid was told to stop, payments were done and we had the responsibility to take care of ourselves.

I am a slow person eh? I guess. I mean, I did take 3 days to regain normality and the fact that I must search for jobs. [I did search for PhD positions too - well, that seemed like a far fetched dream. This was the period I got so lost with what I wanted to do with my life, But I had known one thing for sure - I do not want to ruin my resume with experiences that don't reward me well. And a content creators' job? For long though?]

1-week post Ma's arrival in the Emirates, I had sent my passport copy - never expected the E-Visa to arrive so soon. It had come in 3 days, the tickets were booked in less than 15 hours and 24 hours later...

Here I am, 25A on Air Arabia towards Shj on a flight, Gate number 37, Flight at 01.20 hrs IST [I'm in the waiting area actually, I didn't get a circle pin charger - so I am now charging the laptop that in turn charges my phone. Messed up eh?]

TBH, I guess, it's been these 30 minutes that I've got to myself to realize my past 2 1/2 months have been a crappy rollercoaster ride.

There was a special edition of me trying to learn about ADHD was, I suspect and subject myself to some non-sense mental trauma of whether I am sick or not, [I got an online test result of the cusp between  moderate-high] Well, turns out that was just my hormones messing my head during PMS

My boarding starts in 5 min | This was my story so far, | Can't soak it all in?

Well, I had lived through it all and couldn't handle it either. I'm a little better now though. This was probably the 30 sane minutes of my 3 months wherein I had some time to breathe.

Everything was so fast, I couldn't process them myself.

So, sorry to everyone who I didn't catch up with.

I love y'all. Thanks for reading my rants, listening to my rants and guiding me to a sane lane of existence.

Love, R

27.11.2021 | 00.53

Transitions through Valleys and Peaks. (My Journey so far)

My life has its ups and downs but I never actually noticed them till I reached college.

Most of my childhood is a blur and I guess I could thank the school for it. Although I was never an A grade student till 8th and focused more since 9th (tbh, 10th onwards..) all the nonsense that I faced was overpowered by my concentration being in the present moment or in the past or my superpower of slipping into oblivion in a beat. I always reminisce about the time I spent with my friends and family

I just cannot stress how my naivety, my habit of reminiscing or being busy with school work had kept me away from noticing the most important pattern my life has.

Every 5 years, I hit a peak.

Born in '97, my 1st peak was probably my birthday... at '98

2003, at Age 6, I had made my first set of friends, I was learning about the world

2008, I was at peak of my middle school, I was doing better, I had a best friend and we'd do our homework together. We used to spend most of our time together.

2013, I was in 10th grade, worked my ass off to gain that 8.6 CGPA and fell in love, was allowed to go out with friends and do awesome things!

I also had my first phone. 

I miss that peak, I was transformed into something so better, I wanted to have her again...

April 2013-2015, Depression hit in my senior high, was getting a little suicidal sometimes but I remembered how hard it would be for my fam if I was not around. It would be sad even after I left. I thought it's better to struggle, survive and emerge a survivor post senior high. And that's exactly what I did.

I kept in mind, that lil naive girl from 2012... learning about plants and falling in love with them. She wanted to pursue her PhD in Botany.

She even knew which college in the city she wanted to get into. She knew her dreams and was so confident with all the innocence of the great big world out there. She dared to dream, she dared to walk down the path no matter what because it was important second to O2.

2015-2018, Peak years, Graduate school. I had gotten into the same college I had wished for when I was in 10th. 

It seemed as if dreams would come true If you pursue it with all you've got.

I live with Nani, my maternal grandmum who cared for me, not as a child but as an adult. I realized I was way too pampered within my 4 walls as an introvert.

Being around her, made me a little more receptive to the world and responsible to my fam.

Those 2 years of adjusting to a person you've never lived with paid off in my final year. The final year of grad was hectic, literally, neither time to breath nor time to die. But she understood me in those 2 years as I did her and so navigating my final year was frosting on a pastry! It was Smooth!!

That was my peak. 2018.

I also got into my Master's Course.

Unfortunately (or fortunately) in the same college where I had completed my Bachelors from.

The department knew me like Krebs Cycle. 

But I guess y'all should realize. Every peak must have a base. Well, I had bases and valleys.

Bases were times when, although everything shits you and screws you over, you can handle yourself one day at a time or a week at a time. 

Valleys were not days, they were seasons. Seasons of depression, anxiety and the feeling of never being enough, never doing enough or never doing something worth it. It was hard to eat, hard to sleep, hard to breathe, hard to wake up, hard to exist.

Every day, my existence would scream silently. Enduring words and noises and I used to turn to music. Shun all the words that make me sad, shun all the noise that makes me sick of myself.

I had such bases. My bases were in 2001-2002. UKG was bad, or as much as I remember - Sad. I don't remember much from Grade 1 or 2.

2004 sucked hard, I had come to this new school. Again, hardly remember anything cause of my superpower to live in the moment or oblivion in a snap.

I do remember 7th & 8th were not so fun., but got used to it, 8th was when I had a crush on this guy from my class, so again, running into oblivion and daydreaming about the guy kept me away from the drama the school had to offer me.

And I've already stated about the depressing times in 2013-2015. I hardly had friends who'd talk to me.

Since 2018 has been done and dusted.

I'm in a mess right now. 2020 and 2021 have hit me hard and how.

Although, I believe I'm transitioning to something better. It's coming. I know it is, I think I'm trying to get there. 

It's like I'm walking a 5km tunnel (metaphorically where every 1km is a year), and I can see nothing but a very faint light at its end. It's all foggy.. but I know I have to keep ongoing.

This year was worse than 2020, the pandemic has shifted everyone's angle on life. But to me, it put me on a path.

This stupid path of trying various jobs to find my right fit, until I hear my calling. 

Probably 2022 is going to be nice. 2022 is going to be my climb to my 2023 peak. 

I won't risk it. I'll give it my all.

Also, shout out to Music. Thank you for being by my side when I was alone, scared or hurt. Especially to give me hope in life when I was suicidal or hopelessly in love

R

22.11.2021

20.43

On Celtic Love Knots and Love

I look at my Mehendi, that 1 design I keep repeating, them Celtic love knots... I look at myself in the bathroom mirror and go like, "I keep waiting for you, but you never come"
And then, I realise, Love is not mine only... it is meant to be shared.
Love is welcome into my life and as it comes on day one, it must leave one day too.

Maybe it did. Maybe I labelled love as "teenage hormones", maybe I labelled love as "admiration", maybe I was blinded by the beauty it brought I forgot to acknowledge that Love was standing in front of me or beside me, wearing the same jhumka or sharing coffee at break or buying cheese crackers along with a line or 2 of how I wish them well, sharing DW references and anime references... Maybe, I didn't realize love was in my life.

Maybe, I wrote a letter to my love and they wrote back, reminiscing the times when we used to study together

A Celtic Love Knot: Represents love between two people that is strong, eternal and forever

Maybe Love supported me while I went to a familiar but strange place, helped me pick myself up when the arena of fond memories tarnished and broke me

Maybe Love taught me to be more considerate and understanding of people in my life

Maybe Love is still in my life, who arrived 2 years, 4 months and 24 days before me

Maybe Love gave birth to me? That seems weird. That's my mum.

Maybe Love is not a person but a feeling you... a feeling to be yourself post a comfortable zone you and th3y have made for you.

But how would you know it's love when you are always your complete idiotic self, silly and goofy, immature, a pain in the a$$ and unsure of yourself carrying all the scars and insecurities?

Do you realise it as you cannot live without them?
Do you realise it, when you learn that you can live without them but choose not to?
Do you realize it, when you yearn for their presence... their eyes, their smile, their voice and their touch..  all for yourself?

What is love? Is it possible to love, without accepting them completely? Is it possible to love, without understanding them?
Will I ever have it? When will I experience my share? And If I did, I'd really like to go back in time to tell them, maybe just one more time... to know the face love wore..  and whisper,

I love you, you make my life better and thanks for being a part of me.

R
12.09.2021
11.51

understand me

You say you dont understand her

You been with her throughout her life, being born in your presence and yet you say you dont understand her

Thats sad. Heres a quickie, Have you accpeted her for all that she is?

Her beauty and her ugly?

Her calm and her chaos?

Her mind and soul?

Her body and heart?

Her breath and her words?

Understand, she is a complex contraction creating a paradox of her own life, living in reality and the oblivion, the all knowing subconscious and the afraid unknown conscious

All at the same time, quantum and grande

If you can understand all that her mind does to her

You'll understand her too

If not too immediately

Eventually

R

14.30

16.11.2021

Quarantine sickness

I am sick of it.
I am sick of this quarantine, and cannot wait for it to get over.

I am pretty sure you feel the same way about it too, somewhere deep inside, you want all of this to get over so you can step out into the sun, hustle at your workplace, get to board meetings on time, get to your schools and colleges on time and most important of all - meet people, human and flesh and bones and smiles, not so far away and within a arms' limit distance.
You can touch them and shake hands or hug or kiss them, play pranks on them, and still have fun; amidst the chaotic sleep cycle that we've all inculcated, after all, we are all social animals - who needs to look after their society and needs the community to look after them in return along with animal-like qualities such as honesty, loyalty, dedication, determination and sometimes with an attitude of no fucks to give.

It's going to take a long time till we come back to our routine lifestyle of waking up, attending work/study and meeting people and mingling, but until then we need to keep our mental, physical and emotional health safe.
Especially make sure we don't ruin our own sleep cycle, and many of us would state "It's important to practice discipline" but let me ask you Have you ever felt low, and unmotivated despite having a day plan? Well, it's quarantine, it's the novel Corona Virus Disease '19 and I expect you all to follow a timetable with a wee bit of relaxation. It's not a vacation, It's not a joke either.

Relax, spend time with family, talk out your problems, if you cannot find one solution to it, end it; don't postpone it because later it will come to you if you don't want to go to it.
And maybe, don't spend too much time with your family too - because I strongly believe in this: "Too much or too little of anything is too bad" So, take some time out from your family - do some things on your own - like watch a movie in a different language or read a book or write down something, and of course what's been said the most concerning professional life - Learn something new for your career.

But until you take your first step to it - don't give up on it because you are interested one day and disinterested the next; you can always shuffle between a lot of things and remember to laugh. or smile, don't lose your ikigai.

I just lost mine, the days feel like a piece of shit. 

R

06/05/2020 13:16

sharad purnima poem

I walk the gully streets outside my home

The pre winter breeze chills the city

Makes me feel like I'm back in heaven city

I close my eyes and feel the chillness seep through my skin

The air carries the sandal fragrance of Shri Krishn and Rose fragrance of Shri Radha

I lift my face up towards the sky, smiling

Opening my eyes I see two stars nearby the glorious full moon

Big, bright, a mild off white

I take a step forward, the moon hides behind the leaves of Neem trees consort

Blinking white light amidst the dark green leaves playing peek-a-boo as to tease me

To tease my love for the moon

To tease my love

To him whom I think of

Every night, as the stars shine bright

I smile pacing forward home catching a glimpse one last time, a quick flicker

I close my eyes, smile for a small second

Conscious I walk ahead

In the chill breeze of Vrindavan

R

00.34

21.10.2021

Year 25

25, a nice number. A fancy number for geeks like me who were always a fan of multiples of 5

At my 25th year, I have been put through circumstances in life, that make me wonder ( and get a lil scared ) about the great big wonderous world we live in. My high school English teacher was right when she said I was yet to come out of my shell.

Well, been an observer too long, never liked it from the viewer seat and now am made to play my part in the world's stage, don't like that either. Everything seems screwed up. 

TBH, I am a very slow learner in practical life, and so this is all about the things I have learnt late and will have to remember big time, throughout my life.

25 Things to remember, for life:

1. Never speak, unless spoken to

2. Never speak unnecessarily

3. Never speak ill, lest, try to speak ill lesser everyday

4. Always have a back up plan for any activity you do

5. Time is not the boss of you, that's Rule 408

6. Don't help when not asked | Don't go where not invited | Don't stay where not respected

7. There is a change only you can bring to this world, you matter.

8. Forgiveness is a rare virtue, imbibe it

9. Self worth, self esteem, self confidence and self repespect is how you treat yourself, giving an example to others, on how to treat you. They'ren't just words for empowerment

10. Talk to someone if need be, write if need be, and cry if need be. Sleep, Food and Music help, always.

11. Patience is not easy, courage is not easy, to be brave in the darkest time is not easy. But they are necessary, practice them.

12. Speak about the past if you can remember a lesson from it, or reminiscence a good memory.

13. Listen

14. People are neither punching bags nor therapists. Know your place in their life, and vice versa. Behave accordingly

15. You are a warrior, not a worrier. The courage you seek is inside you

16. Save money, Money moves the world and people like no other force in the world

17. Be Green, Be strong. You have the Will Power to achieve what you want and deserve

18. Smile often, be grateful, laugh wholeheartedly

19. Love equally. Love all.

20. People have hidden doors you are unaware of, at all times be kind. You never know how little kindness can move the world

21. Have hope

22. Stop giving up

23. Don't be ambitious, but be realistic.

24. Think!!

25. Breath, its a crazy ride

Updated on 05th May 2023:
Things I still need to remember

1. Don't do more than what's asked of you, but don't slack off unless it's done on time.
2. Ask your doubts, otherwise your answer will always be NO.

Happy 8th Birthday, to me!

Today marks the 8th year since I've been out of critical clinical depression. (Yay!!)

Sometime around September 2015, I was told to have meds to manage my stress and depression and I couldn't stand it anymore. I used to cry every night. The following October I had serious thoughts of running away or suicide. Every. Single. Moment.

Breathing was hard, existing was painful. I had no strength, physical, mental or emotional to handle my life and I could feel the groundbreaking beneath my feet.

Had Genius not spoken to me, on this day, 8 years ago... I would have been either lost or dead.

So, thank you Genius, for being there for me.

By your grace, I've received a second life; I promise to live this one well.

You'll be proud of me one day. Pakka.

Love, R

17.38

13.10.2021

Amnesia haunting

Amnesia

Its a memory disorder where an individual tends to forget... things, places.. people

2021, 14th February

The first minute plays a song by one of my favorite bands... 5 Seconds of Summer; aka 5 SOS.

Their song, Amnesia.. speaks of how they try to forget the past relationship...how they try to move on

And I

The first minute of 14.02.2021, was me rewinding and playing all the memories I've had with my Genius.

Every moment, more vivid and clearer than before. Every single meeting... in school, inside home, areas around the colony we grew up.

I thought it was just a random thing...

Until the entire week went by and everutime I heard the song, I could rememeber nothing but him

His face, his voice, his kindness... just Him.

My Genius.

Funny thing, life. 12.03 of 14th Feb, 2021... I had to speak to a guy, a prospective match they said.

He was from Pune, they said.

He was from the city where my Genius was from!

The entire week was disturbing! To speak to a guy from the city of Crush and listening to a song that reminds me of him... uuuuuuhhhhhhggg.

Amnesia haunts me, even today.

I hear it and I'm paralyzed for the enitre 4.12 minutes thinking about him... the moments I shared with him!

Trust me, everytime a song comes on, I wish I had amnesia... just wanna forget him for goodness sake!

R

10.10.2021

21:48

Observation from Seat no 46

For a very brief moment when I bit into my pound cake, the vanilla sponge melting into my mouth; I observed the entire train compartment fall silent.

We halt to a stop at Daund Junction, Maharashtra.

I can observe my breath as I breathe in and breath out. Being seated at my upper berth, I observe all the people, at least 50 of them in my compartment... I've seen most of them make their way to the exit or the washroom that lies close to the exit door from my side.

 And everyone on the train going about their lives. None talks. Silent. Dead silent.

And I, from my seat no 46 see everything; hear nothing.

And then a thought, how many stories do we carry within each other when we want to scream out loud but shun the voices inside?!

There are at least 50 stories at this moment, 1 in each and every one of us.

What's your story?

R

10.05

i lost my job

Day 8: the 15th of September

11.30 am, I tell my curious ma, revealing the truth earlier than I wanted to.. that I, her PG daughter lost her job.

She asked why I didn't tell her sooner...

And the 10th minute from then, she started to bombard me with applications to govt jobs that I keep refusing.

This was the reason I did not want to tell her.

Not only will she be worried but shove unnecessary options down my throat too

Day 15: the 23rd of September

    The days post losing my job, I was under a shot of depression. I cried at times, randomly, I used to lay in my bed for the entire day and come out to either make food or eat lunch/ dinner.

That shot of depression is not completely gone yet.

I've been working on a few things. For starters, Quafie. Yup! That's the name. I used to play a cooking diary game to distract myself, it eventually led to Di saying that she'll invest and help me financially if I can bring a sketch of a plan. I started since then and baked a cake yesterday (with a lil too much Salt n Baking Soda, by mistake) 

I got some skeleton framework, need to dig deeper though,

Ma says I should keep Quafie in my pocket for weekend work and focus on getting a stable job first.

And I have been applying to some companies, haven't heard from them yet, so will apply more today.

Until then, I must be very careful with the tuition money that I'm saving.

Back to the Past #5: A Road To Choose

 This post is a digital version of a letter I wrote to myself long time ago.

It was written on January 3rd 2021, as I draft this post on 17th August 2021.

So, here goes...

Realization?

 I don't know how to love.

That's it.

That's the realization.

I probably haven't known at all

and yet I keep claiming that I love ---

24.05.2021

17.05

once upon a 3am

some nights, under the full moon and a sky full of stars, with warm breeze whizzing past me, brushing my hair from my cheek, listening to acoustic music... I just wanna fall in love

alas, i don't know how to

R

02.33

26.07.2021

Dream Drift Detour

 So, y'all know how I keep saying that I wanna be a researcher and want to do a PhD course.

But some days I seriously contemplate what would happen if I just take up a corporate job and save some money for myself before I head to my PhD... and it was with this same intention that I had started working, all my 3 jobs.

[Trivia: I've had 3 jobs within a years span!]

I got a content internship last Tuesday, very promising and this time, I wanna stay here for the long run (maybe, till something better comes along...)

I really hope it's okay to drift from my dream to detour a bit, gain experience and then dive to my dreams... besides if not India, I'll def use up to apply to my MRes Cancer Biology / Translational Oncology from the universities I've shortlisted.

Applying for the IELTS program, the visa (if need be) and application fees will cost me a fortune and I want to be able to afford it if hell breaks in India with my urined attempt as CSIR cancels exam for the year due to COVID-19.

Also, I'm planning to move out. I've planned it all out; if it goes by plan, I'll be out by July...

Let's see what happens...

Stay tuned! =D

messy march make me march on my mental madness

My life is a mess.

So is yours, maybe you've got your shit together for a while... but wait... HAVE YOU? REALLY?

And in case you answered YES, let me reassure you, not even the freakin' amazing Barack Obama hasn't got ALL HIS SHIT TOGETHER - the second law of thermodynamics which states that "The universe favours entropy" doesn't allow us to - and as adults, we have problems, we face them because they make us uncomfortable and instead of crying like a baby we try to talk and work things out, we try to adapt and change for the better.

Now, what do you do when you know there is absolutely no control over your life in some aspects and even if you do - you haven't got the freedom to control it completely - why you ask?? Think about it carefully and tell me that your actions don't have a ripple effect on people...

It does. What I do, affects me and those around me.

What you do affects you and those around you. And maybe at one point, if we are like 7 degrees of separation away, then our lives would probably affect each other in the most subtle way ever.

I've always thought that I was insignificant which is true but then when you consider how the most ordinary person on the planet can actually change you and your life in remarkable ways, you do want to consider how you affect them too or how you and your thoughts, actions and words have an impact on anyone at all!

It starts small like a small wave and then turns out the ripple effect or the butterfly effect follows.

Now, when you are aware of the fact that the butterfly effect will follow at all the things you do or say or don't do and don't say - you become responsible for your actions and let me remind you what the doctor  (10) once told his daughter ( S4 E6 ) "You always have a choice and it is one you must make" and at the worst of situations, we can quote 12 "Sometimes the only choices we have are the bad ones but you still have to choose"

Recently, I've come across a crossroads with life, dealing with it one day at a time and moving on to the clueless future as I think (and undoubtedly overthink myself) about what is the apt road for me to choose.

This ain't a Robert Frost poem to choose "the path not taken"; this is life. And as much as beautiful spring and blooms and sunshine and sunsets are with gleaming golden hope, the truth is I'm petrified - everyone is. 

I need to choose what I need to do with my life and quick

the options so far are:

1. Undo my resignation and continue being a teacher - my career was already set until everyone instilled fear of moving to the new city and I like a dumbo agreed to it considering all the precautions

2. Talk to the professor from RRI and see if I can take up the opportunity to be a visiting student and learn some practical biophysics.

3. To go stay here in my lovely city Bengaluru and find a job here itself/or a PhD

4. To go back to Sharjah - the place where I grew up, as a child and as a person - so much - and fell in love with someone who'd never love me back (Sid, if you are reading this - it's you.)

5. To get married - alliances come and go but the deed must be done, and for me, according to my "horror-scope" - it must be done soon.

That's all it. I've got not 1, but 5 options in front of me - each leading to a new universe, a new world and a completely different and a new life

The time limit to decide is 30 days.

I hope  I have the strength to choose right, because as The Doctor said:

But I am not going to be brooding and be cynical, this time I have to be just a bit more mature and choose a decision that gives the best result to all because after all, who am I but a human with hope?

and again to remind me of choosing the right options - 

So, What is the kindest option I can take up for my life that does the least damage to everyone around me because I cannot escape the butterfly effect?

I don't know yet. But I hope I'll figure it out soon enough to not waste people's time and emotions and leave them unsteady.

I hope I have the strength to do that.

Update as of 2nd March: The marriage proposal has been called off, but I have been called to the school - They need me there - not even a want, NEED.

I'm planning on going to Gangaikondan, just for a week or 2, let's see what happens.

Sometimes I feel like I want to paint "The Bigger Picture" of my life but then all my life, following my heart and life as it steers my path, I've always been a short term person. "Survive today." kinda person and I am starting to think that it might just bring the death of me...

#scared #future #planning #life #asitgoes #justgowiththeflow

Update as of 6th March: I'm scared and clueless and tired and lil bored as of now - bored coz I don't know what to do, I spent my Saturday afternoon completing my second 'Write Out Journal' where I keep my quotes, poems and other thoughts. The book is over, I need a new one now - lol.

tired is an everlasting feeling that I don't I'll get rid of, I'm pretty much always tired either physically or mentally or socially. ugh.

Scared and Clueless came in together as a package after Ma called on botim. She wanted to know why Sid wanted to go out of the country as if I'd know. And why must one not get out of their country in search of a better job and better pay? Everyone wants to improve their standard of living and would like to grow as a person... but honestly, I don't know. And so I got a lil upset and raised my voice, told her to ask him directly.

Everyone around me is either getting married or getting a job or continuing their studies; and I feel so lost - what on earth am I doing? Sometimes I fear I'd repent not going to Gangaikondan for the teaching job. It was fun - these 8 months, and I don't mind doing it again.

I've been looking at jobs again, actively, since the past week, anyway it's been a month since my resignation... and I need to find my place in the world.

I cannot leave Bengaluru till May 25th for my tutees have their boards and they need to do well - but the teaching time has gone and all I have left is mentoring time - which gives me so much time in my hands considering I've got no job at all.

Maybe I should post an email to the correspondent at RRI and see where it goes? Not so sure - with all the uncertainty around my visa to the Emirates... Maybe I should take up B.Ed? Maybe it's okay to take a proper gap and try focusing on research?

Time left: 25 days

09.03.2021

Update: It's 17.07 hrs IST and life has been good for the past few days; tbh, good-ish.

Kind of worried about my job still and Di is not talking to me properly - well, it's not like I try either. Every time I say hey she says to go away and I still need to ask my GK teachers about the stay for the week of 25-30.03 for the expo thingy. Still need to send an email to RRI for my VS position and need to know what's next. Scary but I am trying to be brave to have the courage to take a day at a time. Let's see what happens.

ETL: 22 Days

Update on 24.03.2021

My kiddos finished their exam and so did I; they finished their annual and I did my TIFR exam for Biology. In addition to that, the last 2 weeks have been quite eventful and many things happened:

- I attended an open mic with my sis for the first time and I also performed there. I performed a piece called "time". 

-I started reading and writing on Wattpad, my story of Treamthe is finally out - it's still in a clayey stage, I'm still moulding it as time passes and my mind types in the words.

Today, however, I got my TIFR results. I didn't get through.

Now, I'm well aware of the absurdity of me going to be a teacher - at any school for the time being, so I don't think I can "undo my resignation". Everyone is against it and I feel so bloody helpless.

The marriage and the groom's search is on a halt (I hope). Ma has stopped enforcing me to talk to the guys but still keeps sending me some profiles to look at.

I honestly don't know if Sharjah will be worth it and if I want a job right now.

My mind is filled with 2 tasks for the past week

1) File for my certificates from college

2) Get a break for 3 months - March to June, to study for NET. (Hopefully, we have 2 exams this year.)

Everyone around me suggests I get a job quick. Ma reminds me to talk to the RRI professor soon and I - I don't want a job right now and ii - Isn't it too late to talk to the prof?

well, nonetheless, I am gonna email 'em tomorrow, or today and ask when I can join... at the earliest.

So things I need to do:

1. Email RRI for VSRP

2. Apply for certificates

3. Study for NET.

I'm probably taking a break.

Time left: 1 week.

GERONIMO!

Update on 29th March 2021

Heyyo, I'm back, and I'm a wreck! I've got hardly 48 hours left and I think I know what I want to do. But this "what I want to do" is probably going to be frowned upon by the entire family.

Out of all the 5 options that were kept open for me, I chose, now and forevermore option 6 - 

A 4-month break till July, 1 NET exam, let me try for it with all my might and lemme see if I can get through.

I know everybody is going to frown upon it, but I do have the tutor job that'll come to me till May and I'm trying to take up a part-time — it's not like I'm not trying.

I was supposed to have an interview today, at Chaitanya Techno schools, Bannegatta; they happened to have a vacancy for a Zoology teacher, I'm a botany major. I also need to really fly away from here - get outta 001!! And soon!!

May the universe guide me

Yours truly,

r

Time Left: 48 hrs.

31.03.2021

22.1-

It's been 2 days since I started waking up at 4.30 to study. I had ~2.5 hrs yesterday and 1 hr today. I started studying for CSIR.

I want to be serious, have to, It's either that or none. (maybe a dumbass 9 to 6 job to pay the bills...)

The point is, although I feel like I have somehow wasted my March, I took its time to sort my brain out. 

Take time, it'll help ya too.

Until then, here is the song that has been on my head for the month, that's been helping me

Until later

Janne

R

dare to love

 April is in 3 days

Spring is here (and almost gone too)

And I want to spend it with someone I like; doing fun things.

And I want it to be someone who understands me.

but before wanting to fall in love, I must fall in line to take care of my horses, those that lead me to my destiny and goal, making me independent - socially, emotionally and financially

I need to do this before I turn cynical to love, I can feel myself not brooding over love stories anymore, which scares me. I used to like Love.

29.03.2021

01.48

To paint the bigger picture

 Heyyo! It's your crabby girl again, on her period, that tags along with a small 8-minute break from procrastination to the class that goes on for 2 hours on teaching Chemistry.

Today I want to talk about "THE BIG PICTURE" or as some people call it "THE BIGGER PICTURE" - when all they mean is "Plan for your future".

I cannot alright. I just cannot.

I mean, I can but then don't I have to consider varying factors?

Like uncertainty of life??

Damn man. I'm scared big time

Planning the future? Yeah, I've done that... plenty of times!! What I never plan is for uncertainty because one can never be sure - and then again - not having a plan keeps one unprepared.

How do you plan for something you are unaware that it's going to happen in the first place?

The big problem with the big picture is I have never planned for a future ever since 12th grade - that, was 6 years ago - I have never planned for it because life never bothers giving me a heads up on the upcoming events of my life and the ways things have occurred to me - from my dads' eye surgery and me coming to Jaipur to Di's marriage I was against but was the same person who made sure that it happened while standing alongside Ma.

I never expected the Msc life to be so hard, I never knew that I, ME! of all the people in the world would be able to lose a friend too! I never knew my family would inwardly disown me, I never knew that pandemic is going to occur and make a hell mess outta my already messed up life!

I never knew these were going to happen and thus was not ready - but one thing I hold on strong to is adaptability. I believe I have the power to adapt and that is going to help me survive the world anywhere I may go.

So, when I so believe in my super special power of adaptability, do I really need to plan for a future? Yes. But do I know what it takes to plan for a future? No. Even if I did, I definitely cannot discount the butterfly effect, at all.

And anything I do, I get negative comments and remarks from the folks that obviously make me disapprove of my own decisions and make me sad. Like some understanding would be nice I guess...

Anywho, signing off now
Your crabby blogger
R

Choices and Chaos

 My life is a mess.

So is yours, maybe you've got your shit together for a while... but wait... HAVE YOU? REALLY?

And in case you answered YES, let me reassure you, not even the freakin' amazing Barack Obama hasn't got ALL HIS SHIT TOGETHER - the second law of thermodynamics which states that "The universe favours entropy" doesn't allow us to - and as adults, we have problems, we face them because they make us uncomfortable and instead of crying like a baby we try to talk and work things out, we try to adapt and change for the better.

Now, what do you do when you know there is absolutely no control over your life in some aspects and even if you do - you haven't got the freedom to control it completely - why you ask?? Think about it carefully and tell me that your actions don't have a ripple effect on people...

It does. What I do, affects me and those around me.

What you do affects you and those around you.

and maybe at one point, if we are like 7 degrees of separation away, then our lives would probably affect each other in the most subtle way ever.

I've always thought that I was insignificant which is true but then when you consider how the most ordinary person on the planet can actually change you and your life in remarkable ways, you do want to consider how you affect them too or how you and your thoughts, actions and words have an impact on anyone at all!

It starts small like a small wave and then turns out the ripple effect or the butterfly effect follows.

Now, when you are aware of the fact that the butterfly effect will follow at all the things you do or say or don't do and don't say - you become responsible for your actions and let me remind you what the doctor  (10) once told his daughter ( S4 E6 ) "You always have a choice and it is one you must make" and at the worst of situations, we can quote 12 "Sometimes the only choices we have are the bad ones but you still have to choose"

Recently, I've come across a crossroads with life, dealing with it one day at a time and moving on to the clueless future as I think (and undoubtedly overthink myself) about what is the apt road for me to choose.

This ain't a Robert Frost poem to choose "the path not taken"; this is life. And as much as beautiful spring and blooms and sunshine and sunsets are with gleaming golden hope, the truth is I'm petrified - everyone is. 

I need to choose what I need to do with my life and quick

the options so far are:

1. Undo my resignation and continue being a teacher - my career was already set until everyone instilled fear of moving to the new city and I like a dumbo agreed to it considering all the precautions

2. Talk to the professor from RRI and see if I can take up the opportunity to be a visiting student and learn some practical biophysics.

3. To go stay here in my lovely city Bengaluru and find a job here itself/or a PhD

4. To go back to Sharjah - the place where I grew up, as a child and as a person - so much - and fell in love with someone who'd never love me back (Sid, if you are reading this - it's you.)

5. To get married - alliances come and go but the deed must be done, and for me, according to my "horror-scope" - it must be done soon.

That's all it. I've got not 1, but 5 options in front of me - each leading to a new universe, a new world and a completely different and a new life

The time limit to decide is 30 days.

I hope  I have the strength to choose right, because as The Doctor said:

But I am not going to be brooding and be cynical, this time I have to be just a bit more mature and choose a decision that gives the best result to all because after all, who am I but a human with hope?

and again to remind me of choosing the right options - 

So, What is the kindest option I can take up for my life that does the least damage to everyone around me because I cannot escape the butterfly effect?

I don't know yet. But I hope I'll figure it out soon enough to not waste people's time and emotions and leave them unsteady.

I hope I have the strength to do that.

Update as of 2nd March: The marriage proposal has been called off, but I have been called to the school - They need me there - not even a want, NEED.

I'm planning on going to Gangaikondan, just for a week or 2, let's see what happens.

Sometimes I feel like I want to paint "The Bigger Picture" of my life but then all my life, following my heart and life as it steers my path, I've always been a short term person. "Survive today." kinda person and I am starting to think that it might just bring the death of me...

#scared #future #planning #life #asitgoes #justgowiththeflow

Update as of 6th March: I'm scared and clueless and tired and lil bored as of now - bored coz I don't know what to do, I spent my Saturday afternoon completing my second 'Write Out Journal' where I keep my quotes, poems and other thoughts. The book is over, I need a new one now - lol.

tired is an everlasting feeling that I don't I'll get rid of, I'm pretty much always tired either physically or mentally or socially. ugh.

Scared and Clueless came in together as a package after Ma called on botim. She wanted to know why Sid wanted to go out of the country as if I'd know. And why must one not get out of their country in search of a better job and better pay? Everyone wants to improve their standard of living and would like to grow as a person... but honestly, I don't know. And so I got a lil upset and raised my voice, told her to ask him directly.

Everyone around me is either getting married or getting a job or continuing their studies; and I feel so lost - what on earth am I doing? Sometimes I fear I'd repent not going to Gangaikondan for the teaching job. It was fun - these 8 months, and I don't mind doing it again.

I've been looking at jobs again, actively, since the past week, anyway it's been a month since my resignation... and I need to find my place in the world.

I cannot leave Bengaluru till May 25th for my tutees have their boards and they need to do well - but the teaching time has gone and all I have left is mentoring time - which gives me so much time in my hands considering I've got no job at all.

Maybe I should post an email to the correspondent at RRI and see where it goes? Not so sure - with all the uncertainty around my visa to the Emirates... Maybe I should take up B.Ed? Maybe it's okay to take a proper gap and try focusing on research?

Time left: 25 days

09.03.2021

Update: It's 17.07 hrs IST and life has been good for the past few days; tbh, good-ish.

Kind of worried about my job still and Di is not talking to me properly - well, it's not like I try either. Every time I say hey she says to go away and I still need to ask my GK teachers about the stay for the week of 25-30.03 for the expo thingy. Still need to send an email to RRI for my VS position and need to know what's next. Scary but I am trying to be brave to have the courage to take a day at a time. Let's see what happens.

ETL: 22 Days

Update on 24.03.2021

My kiddos finished their exam and so did I; they finished their annual and I did my TIFR exam for Biology. In addition to that, the last 2 weeks have been quite eventful and many things happened:

- I attended an open mic with my sis for the first time and I also performed there. I performed a piece called "time". 

-I started reading and writing on Wattpad, my story of Treamthe is finally out - it's still in a clayey stage, I'm still moulding it as time passes and my mind types in the words.

Today, however, I got my TIFR results. I didn't get through.

Now, I'm well aware of the absurdity of me going to be a teacher - at any school for the time being, so I don't think I can "undo my resignation". Everyone is against it and I feel so bloody helpless.

The marriage and the groom's search is on a halt (I hope). Ma has stopped enforcing me to talk to the guys but still keeps sending me some profiles to look at.

I honestly don't know if Sharjah will be worth it and if I want a job right now.

My mind is filled with 2 tasks for the past week

1) File for my certificates from college

2) Get a break for 3 months - March to June, to study for NET. (Hopefully, we have 2 exams this year.)

Everyone around me suggests I get a job quick. Ma reminds me to talk to the RRI professor soon and I - I don't want a job right now and ii - Isn't it too late to talk to the prof?

well, nonetheless, I am gonna email 'em tomorrow, or today and ask when I can join... at the earliest.

So things I need to do:

1. Email RRI for VSRP

2. Apply for certificates

3. Study for NET.

I'm probably taking a break.

Time left: 1 week.

GERONIMO!

Update on 29th March 2021

Heyyo, I'm back, and I'm a wreck! I've got hardly 48 hours left and I think I know what I want to do. But this "what I want to do" is probably going to be frowned upon by the entire family.

Out of all the 5 options that were kept open for me, I chose, now and forevermore option 6 - 

A 4-month break till July, 1 NET exam, let me try for it with all my might and lemme see if I can get through.

I know everybody is going to frown upon it, but I do have the tutor job that'll come to me till May and I'm trying to take up a part-time — it's not like I'm not trying.

I was supposed to have an interview today, at Chaitanya Techno schools, Bannegatta; they happened to have a vacancy for a Zoology teacher, I'm a botany major. I also need to really fly away from here - get outta 001!! And soon!!

May the universe guide me

Yours truly,

r

Time Left: 48 hrs.

31.03.2021

22.1-

It's been 2 days since I started waking up at 4.30 to study. I had ~2.5 hrs yesterday and 1 hr today. I started studying for CSIR.

I want to be serious, have to, It's either that or none. (maybe a dumbass 9 to 6 job to pay the bills...)

The point is, although I feel like I have somehow wasted my March, I took its time to sort my brain out. 

Take time, it'll help ya too.

Until then, here is the song that has been on my head for the month, that's been helping me

Until later

Janne

R

UPDATE: #1

Hey there!

Some of you may know that I previously used to have a poetry blog and that I have recently deleted it.

However, for those interested in reading some of my poetry, I thought I'd make a collection of poems (I'm actually considering on publishing them too) which, in a word file can be shared via a google drive.

It is on my drive and I have adjusted the settings to anyone viewing the document as long as they have the link.

The part one to this is a document called "The Crazy Ride of Love"

Find the link here !!

Lookout this space for more updates,

Enjoy your read =D

The Wall

Yo Yo Yo! I finally made my Wall!!

'Twas an experience and I share it with my eyes and voice and smile and face and all of that!

Check the youtube video! :)

"Modern Love" What is Love actually 'bout?

 Well, looking at the title I'm guessing that you're guessing that I've watched the series Modern Love on Amazon Prime? 

Correct. I just did. Kinda binged on it, to be honest.

My feelings for this show right now are so fresh like a hot cuppa joe with freshly ground beans!!

So, What exactly is love?

Is it just reducing to physical intimacy and sex?

Is it just reducing to a relationship with a tag?

Or is it more and Love too has a grey area, wherein it gets complicated and untangled and uncomplicated and twist over like the red string of fate?

Love is, after all, a beautiful natural emotion...

But what is it? What are the colours and shades and types of love?

 >> Lookout this space for frequent updates...

OUCH. My exsistence hurts!

 Like literally, every part of my body is paining, aching, hurting, and it's freakin' irritating because of the plausibility that I am in this state because of a dance workshop! It couldn't be... can it?

The 23rd was an eventful Sunday that started with a calm morning. I guess the music and the coffee was the only time I got to behave and exist as a normal sane human because after 10.30 I and Di started getting ready to go to our neighbours' place for a Satyanarayana Puja (a Hindu ritual where Lord Narayan is worshipped with flowers and chants after having heard 5 or 7 stories about the lord.) I and Di had received lunch from their place and so lunch was sorted (We had to prep food for that day but found an escape route).

After finishing my lunch, I and Di left to Jayanagar, to Dynamix Studios (Visit their webpage for more details at https://dynamixstudiosblr.business.site/ ) for a dance workshop. 

Now, here's how it spiralled down to an embarrassing day.

Firstly, I told Di, not to rush it and it would be alright to be a Lil late - I reached the studios at 3.15 for a 4.30 workshop just because I forgot what time it was :( 

Secondly, I danced my boredom through the time that I had because:

• A "Why the heck not?" and 
• B "Maybe this would let me be a Lil more fluid during the workshop!" and to end with 
• C - "Where's some good music? ah, here we go.... ooohhh. ho... cannot stop my feet! Well then, let's just have fun"

I had danced for like 40 minutes straight from 3.30 to 4.10 and then decided to stop awhile; wanted to rest a while before the workshop started

I really needed some sugar because I literally felt my energy dropping low. I started thinking and reasoning to myself, "It's part studio and part office... they'd have a pantry right ...? and pantry would have a coffee maker or something... so there would be a good chance,,, They'd have sugar?"

So with all the confidence and kindness, I requested Shubham sir, the Chief Sound Engineer for some sugar from the pantry. Apparently, there was none left and THE FUCKENING TO A GOOD DAY STARTS!

The entire team of Dynamix studios was worried about it and my low energy levels showcased itself on a spotlight. Huh. (Soo sweet from their end :) and so embarrassing from my end :*( uh)

Abhinandhan sir, who is not only the owner and founder of Dynamix Studios but also my Guitar sir from the same apartment; (who not to mention was with his parents) took care of the entire situation and made sure I got my sugar supply. Prabha aunty, Abhi's' ma, loaned me her Strepsil for a bright short moment. I also asked for a water break from Sharat sir, the choreographer; who permitted me to have my break with a smile.

Prabha aunty had suggested I take some time off from the dance, and I obediently agreed as I thought that was probably the best thing to do at the moment, but even then I couldn't stop my body moving to the beats of the song wanting to practice the entire choreography that was done so far/ I went back the second minute I missed being into the workshop and tried giving it my all - and to be honest I'd rate myself ad 6.5/10, although everyone was almost at 9 by the end of it.

Speaking of the end, 5 minutes later I come back from my 'break' the workshop got over and just as Sharat sir started speaking of DS, Prabha aunty handed me a teaspoon of Glucon-D. I washed the spoon and gave it back as instructed to me.

SHE IS THE SWEETEST, EVER! And thanks to Abhi too in making sure I got it. Thank you, =D

(Did I mention that I got my Glucon-d after the workshop ended when I asked for it even before it started?

The workshop ended with a tour of the studio (which I had done when no one was in the studio) given by Abhi; well, the explanation helps - now I get to not only admire but also know things about the place and the courses they offer (check the link pasted above!!)

Geez, I don't know what to feel about the dance workshop anymore...

I was the worst dancer there, obviously. No doubts there... a staff of DS took a video, for Instagram I suppose and I was so sure it for the 3 seconds I saw it, but the worst was when at every time I used to dance, I used to mess up the choreography after the first half and couldn't get it right or maintain my balance... :(

It was fun but I made it embarrassing? I guess, also not to forget I have had an entire Monday with body pain and it's shit - the pain was away for a short time after a bath in hot water but came back worse than morning and I am afraid to hit the bed 'coz my back already hurts!! :(I really don't know if I feel positive about making myself a clown or embarrassing myself in the workshop; on one end of my thoughts, I am kinda glad about the reasoning that ain't gonna meet anyone shortly (except for the Rao family - shucks. How do I face them? Esp considering that I have Guitar class in another 16 hours... Dunno. But I am gonna give them all my gratitude and thanks for taking care of me) and another part of me is happy to have learnt something new and explored a genre in dance I otherwise would never have pushed myself into - BollyHop - a fusion of Bollywood and Hip-Hop.

But no matter how it turned out, I'm just glad that I don't regret it a little bit, in fact, I just have a lot of gratitude. I have got a taste of DS, the team, Bolly-Hop and learnt subtly about the Studio and what Abhi does for a living - Making Music and the engineering behind it!

After the tour, I got back to my bag at 17.45 to have some water and call Di, well, she was calling me then  - I spoke to her and headed straight to meet her directly at 'The Secret Spot' where she had her pizza and I had the rest of it. I also ordered coffee and a brownie for myself. We left the place by 7 and searched for her saree blouse, having not found anything for her but shopped like a holic for myself; we decided to go home and call Pati so she wouldn't be tensed.

The pizza and her set of starters kept her full. My pizza slices, coffee and brownie had kept me full, we didn't have dinner after entering home. I couldn't sleep at night till 2 btw - I spoke to Zin Sanjana Sharma, a lady who was at the workshop on Friday and had uploaded her dance video tagging Dynamix Studios on Instagram. (You can follow them on Instagram at @dynamixstudiosblr ). I later finished the 3rd season of MHA / BNHA and went to sleep

Woke up with the pain, and it persists. My entire body and my existence are slowly killing me! Ugh!!! 

It's like my entire body wants to be a Timelady, and take in a bullet shot to finish the cherry on the cake and start my regeneration! Alas, I am not my liver to regenerate and stuff.

Ah well, until another crazy ride

Take care

R

00.53

26.01.2021

Hakuna Matata

Heyyo folks! Hakuna Matata!!

Those who were born in the 19080s and 1990s would know this because of Disney and why not!

 Now, if you don't know the lion king, you need to rush in and watch as soon as... NOW!!! Come back to the post later, it ain't going anywhere ;) (Contains spoilers)

And to those who know the movie and love the song and sang it in the theatres like I did when it was released in 2019... here's a question for y'all.

What does "Hakuna Matata" actually imply? What does it mean? What does it mean to you?

When can we implement "Hakuna Matata"?

If you've read my previous posts, you'd know I'm in a confusing place at life right now and as much as I'd like to say "Hakuna Matata" to all my problems but I know that I am not in a place where I can recite the phrase and get away with it.

Please answer my question stated above in the comments as I try to decipher the meaning myself and explain myself.

Hakuna Matata, is a phrase. It's a problem-free philosophy. But what does it actually imply? If we look at the video song closely Timon spoke of Pumbaa's life when Pumbaa faced a down-hill and yet was strong enough to face and celebrate life in all its colours and emotions. 

Simba too met Timon and Pumbaa at a similar situation; he was innocent and juvenile and was mentally lost with no father to guide him. But he had friends, and he lived a fine life, a problem-free life, a life that ran by the phrase "Hakuna Matata" which literally when translated to Swahili means "There are no problems here" (1) (2)

To me, it comes off as saying, "Hakuna Matata", worry about those which you can do something about; if you cannot do something about it, don't worry about it; and thus, 'there are no worries here'

If you follow the first link, the page suggests how beautifully adult Simba takes care of his Pride and The Pride lands after his fathers demise without stressing out too much. That's kinda accurate too.

But getting to the prime question of the blog, 'When do we implement it?'

Well, you can implement it everywhere? and every time/?

even when the shit gets serious, learn to deal with it with no stress (This line made sense when I sang it in my head, I swear!!)

But tuning in the realist and the pessimist in me, we'd know we cannot Hakuna Matata our life through... this ain't the savannah and we ain't animals

We, humans, have made a social construct for ourselves, a hierarchy, monopoly, business, politics, and systems to govern everything. Systems that would monitor every place you go, every transaction you make and everyone you connect with, offline or online.

Cameras everywhere to spot you in the streets

Eyes looking at you, and you are unaware of it

as if Father Christmas looks upon his children to make another naughty or nice list for another Christmas; well, at least the kiddos get a present, what do we the stuttering youth receive in return?

Money, instead of peace

Colleagues, instead of friends

Houses instead of homes,

'coz that's all the society can provide readily into your hand. 

We got to make friends outta strangers and homes outta houses.

We got to find our peace amidst the confusion of our minds and the chaos of our society

So, when do we implement "Hakuna Matata"? Well, that's a question you've got to answer for yourself.

As for my opinion, I believe, with a calm mind and an open heart, no matter what life throws at you, you can HAKUNA MATATA your way out of the chaos and confusion.

I guess it also means that sometimes you got to go with the flow, the natural flow the universe takes you on, a journey that has already been planned for you; wherein all you need to do is walk it. It may seem like it's not the road you want to tread because, at the short-sighted view, we don't get to see ourselves being where we are supposed to be. We believe, that this rough patch may be wrong for us, like how Simba thinks twice before eating the glub for the first time, and then, we do what our ancestors have done - Adapt to the situation 'coz adapting brings a superpower in us. We become a better version of ourselves ever so slightly.

But Simba's first thought, after the slurp was...? "Slimy, yet satisfying"

He repeats what Pumbaa had told him, as a statement of realization, that there are other ways to survive too, adaption for a short term might help ya in the long run, so why the heck not?

So, let's let go of expectations we keep of others and of ourselves and be free of heavy emotions. When you cannot do something about a situation, 

Hakuna Matata the way out of life - Go with the flow of life

You just got to know what you want, and then work for it without causing maximum damage to the social constructs that the human 'civilization' has built to sustain the corrupt and greedy, else you'd never find peace but yourself behind the bars maybe...

Also, remember to be kind to yourself while fighting an inner battle, there are no worries if you don't let them get to you.

Love ya reader

R

04.01.2021

14.56

Feels on the evening of 02.01.2021

 Why on earth does my life a hella amount of instability and uncertainty?

Is this because of the Corona pandemic or is it my age of being 23 that there is so much shit that spews in my life; keeping my mind wavering to decide what is good for me and what my passion/dream is? and what on earth I'd like to make my living off?

On some days, amma says, "Pack to Gangaikondan, le's settle there and we'll see a new road from there" and on some days, it's "Search for a job here only na... we can stay together as a family and you don't have to leave everything you have here"

'Everything that I have here'

What do I have here? 

My sister, with me.

My online classes/ tuition classes

The guitar class that I joined after 6 months of work - by my own salary. I take pride in it and is a big thing for me, if not for you.

I and my sister have been apart a lot of times, separating one more time is going to be painstakingly difficult but I guess I can manage with a few video calls now and then...

My classes will be online even if I  go to Gangaikondan and so will the tuitions...

My guitar class? Well, after crying about it for 2 nights and asking sir on the 31st, he said he'd take online for me... I am eternally grateful for it.

I really hate uncertainties yo!

Scares the crap outta me sometimes!!

To add to this shit ride, Amma, who now lives in Sharjah because of her Patidev wants me and Akka to move back and find a job. She'll never stop being Shanthi - The opportunistic optimist - don't get me wrong... she is a warrior and a lover and yet finds optimism in every opportunity she gets.

Di would find a job and easy and yet I don't know why she does not want to go back. Whereas for me, I think I'll just quit job searching or working and focus this year on IELTS and guitar, along with teaching and tutoring kids online/offline. Let's focus on the PhD now, shall we? And maybe some content writing... I have actually been thinking about it but never applied for anything seriously... maybe yes? maybe no? maybe yes, but later? Let's see...

Yours forever confused

R