My life is a mess.
So is yours, maybe you've got your shit together for a while... but wait... HAVE YOU? REALLY?
And in case you answered YES, let me reassure you, not even the freakin' amazing Barack Obama hasn't got ALL HIS SHIT TOGETHER - the second law of thermodynamics which states that "The universe favours entropy" doesn't allow us to - and as adults, we have problems, we face them because they make us uncomfortable and instead of crying like a baby we try to talk and work things out, we try to adapt and change for the better.
Now, what do you do when you know there is absolutely no control over your life in some aspects and even if you do - you haven't got the freedom to control it completely - why you ask?? Think about it carefully and tell me that your actions don't have a ripple effect on people...
It does. What I do, affects me and those around me.
What you do affects you and those around you.
and maybe at one point, if we are like 7 degrees of separation away, then our lives would probably affect each other in the most subtle way ever.
I've always thought that I was insignificant which is true but then when you consider how the most ordinary person on the planet can actually change you and your life in remarkable ways, you do want to consider how you affect them too or how you and your thoughts, actions and words have an impact on anyone at all!
It starts small like a small wave and then turns out the ripple effect or the butterfly effect follows.
Now, when you are aware of the fact that the butterfly effect will follow at all the things you do or say or don't do and don't say - you become responsible for your actions and let me remind you what the doctor (10) once told his daughter ( S4 E6 ) "You always have a choice and it is one you must make" and at the worst of situations, we can quote 12 "Sometimes the only choices we have are the bad ones but you still have to choose"Recently, I've come across a crossroads with life, dealing with it one day at a time and moving on to the clueless future as I think (and undoubtedly overthink myself) about what is the apt road for me to choose.
This ain't a Robert Frost poem to choose "the path not taken"; this is life. And as much as beautiful spring and blooms and sunshine and sunsets are with gleaming golden hope, the truth is I'm petrified - everyone is.
I need to choose what I need to do with my life and quick
the options so far are:
1. Undo my resignation and continue being a teacher - my career was already set until everyone instilled fear of moving to the new city and I like a dumbo agreed to it considering all the precautions
2. Talk to the professor from RRI and see if I can take up the opportunity to be a visiting student and learn some practical biophysics.
3. To go stay here in my lovely city Bengaluru and find a job here itself/or a PhD
4. To go back to Sharjah - the place where I grew up, as a child and as a person - so much - and fell in love with someone who'd never love me back (Sid, if you are reading this - it's you.)
5. To get married - alliances come and go but the deed must be done, and for me, according to my "horror-scope" - it must be done soon.
That's all it. I've got not 1, but 5 options in front of me - each leading to a new universe, a new world and a completely different and a new life
The time limit to decide is 30 days.
I hope I have the strength to choose right, because as The Doctor said:
But I am not going to be brooding and be cynical, this time I have to be just a bit more mature and choose a decision that gives the best result to all because after all, who am I but a human with hope?
and again to remind me of choosing the right options -
So, What is the kindest option I can take up for my life that does the least damage to everyone around me because I cannot escape the butterfly effect?
I don't know yet. But I hope I'll figure it out soon enough to not waste people's time and emotions and leave them unsteady.
I hope I have the strength to do that.
Update as of 2nd March: The marriage proposal has been called off, but I have been called to the school - They need me there - not even a want, NEED.
I'm planning on going to Gangaikondan, just for a week or 2, let's see what happens.
Sometimes I feel like I want to paint "The Bigger Picture" of my life but then all my life, following my heart and life as it steers my path, I've always been a short term person. "Survive today." kinda person and I am starting to think that it might just bring the death of me...
#scared #future #planning #life #asitgoes #justgowiththeflow
tired is an everlasting feeling that I don't I'll get rid of, I'm pretty much always tired either physically or mentally or socially. ugh.
Scared and Clueless came in together as a package after Ma called on botim. She wanted to know why Sid wanted to go out of the country as if I'd know. And why must one not get out of their country in search of a better job and better pay? Everyone wants to improve their standard of living and would like to grow as a person... but honestly, I don't know. And so I got a lil upset and raised my voice, told her to ask him directly.
Everyone around me is either getting married or getting a job or continuing their studies; and I feel so lost - what on earth am I doing? Sometimes I fear I'd repent not going to Gangaikondan for the teaching job. It was fun - these 8 months, and I don't mind doing it again.
I've been looking at jobs again, actively, since the past week, anyway it's been a month since my resignation... and I need to find my place in the world.
I cannot leave Bengaluru till May 25th for my tutees have their boards and they need to do well - but the teaching time has gone and all I have left is mentoring time - which gives me so much time in my hands considering I've got no job at all.
Maybe I should post an email to the correspondent at RRI and see where it goes? Not so sure - with all the uncertainty around my visa to the Emirates... Maybe I should take up B.Ed? Maybe it's okay to take a proper gap and try focusing on research?
Time left: 25 days
09.03.2021
Update: It's 17.07 hrs IST and life has been good for the past few days; tbh, good-ish.
Kind of worried about my job still and Di is not talking to me properly - well, it's not like I try either. Every time I say hey she says to go away and I still need to ask my GK teachers about the stay for the week of 25-30.03 for the expo thingy. Still need to send an email to RRI for my VS position and need to know what's next. Scary but I am trying to be brave to have the courage to take a day at a time. Let's see what happens.
ETL: 22 Days
Update on 24.03.2021
My kiddos finished their exam and so did I; they finished their annual and I did my TIFR exam for Biology. In addition to that, the last 2 weeks have been quite eventful and many things happened:
- I attended an open mic with my sis for the first time and I also performed there. I performed a piece called "time".
-I started reading and writing on Wattpad, my story of Treamthe is finally out - it's still in a clayey stage, I'm still moulding it as time passes and my mind types in the words.
Today, however, I got my TIFR results. I didn't get through.
Now, I'm well aware of the absurdity of me going to be a teacher - at any school for the time being, so I don't think I can "undo my resignation". Everyone is against it and I feel so bloody helpless.
The marriage and the groom's search is on a halt (I hope). Ma has stopped enforcing me to talk to the guys but still keeps sending me some profiles to look at.
I honestly don't know if Sharjah will be worth it and if I want a job right now.
My mind is filled with 2 tasks for the past week
1) File for my certificates from college
2) Get a break for 3 months - March to June, to study for NET. (Hopefully, we have 2 exams this year.)
Everyone around me suggests I get a job quick. Ma reminds me to talk to the RRI professor soon and I - I don't want a job right now and ii - Isn't it too late to talk to the prof?
well, nonetheless, I am gonna email 'em tomorrow, or today and ask when I can join... at the earliest.
So things I need to do:
1. Email RRI for VSRP
2. Apply for certificates
3. Study for NET.
I'm probably taking a break.
Time left: 1 week.
GERONIMO!
Update on 29th March 2021
Heyyo, I'm back, and I'm a wreck! I've got hardly 48 hours left and I think I know what I want to do. But this "what I want to do" is probably going to be frowned upon by the entire family.
Out of all the 5 options that were kept open for me, I chose, now and forevermore option 6 -
A 4-month break till July, 1 NET exam, let me try for it with all my might and lemme see if I can get through.
I know everybody is going to frown upon it, but I do have the tutor job that'll come to me till May and I'm trying to take up a part-time — it's not like I'm not trying.
I was supposed to have an interview today, at Chaitanya Techno schools, Bannegatta; they happened to have a vacancy for a Zoology teacher, I'm a botany major. I also need to really fly away from here - get outta 001!! And soon!!
May the universe guide me
Yours truly,
r
Time Left: 48 hrs.
31.03.2021
22.1-
It's been 2 days since I started waking up at 4.30 to study. I had ~2.5 hrs yesterday and 1 hr today. I started studying for CSIR.
I want to be serious, have to, It's either that or none. (maybe a dumbass 9 to 6 job to pay the bills...)
The point is, although I feel like I have somehow wasted my March, I took its time to sort my brain out.
Take time, it'll help ya too.
Until then, here is the song that has been on my head for the month, that's been helping me
Janne
R
