it's not the same anymore

 or maybe it is.

I don't know, I came across a few of my saved reels from Instagram - trying to find a funny reel on a dope anime and its intro music; but it led me to a whirlpool of other saved reels.

i felt different - I felt a part of me calling out to me, that version of me who saved it because and the version of me who just got a reminder.

And this reel on "most romantic movies of all time" that was just an arrow to the heart.

I used to be a romantic, used to remember all the little details, used to remember dates and times, and color of the leaf that fell, or the color of the shirt he wore.

it feels all too weird.

did i ever truly love anyone? wasn't it saved for my husband?

and yet why is it that I can't feel myself with him?

why is it that I just want to run away to a corner? or play the radio and go rounds in brigade gardenia? or listen to the radio and walk all the way to Sabarmati at Vasna? Why is it that I love him, but I can't reach him across the KSR station?

It feels all too weird. 

It's not the same anymore,

the romantic me,

the me who remembers dates and colors

the me who had aspirations,

the me who used to love watching love stories and movies

nowadays, I watch them to get a feeling of my old self that I miss darn much.

HR
13 / nov / 2025
11.35 am IST

I've got this, and I've got that

I'm angry, I'm upset, and I'm listening to Saiyaara on loop with a volume soo loud I can barely hear myself.

I've got tonsils and I've got no class today

Can't teach,

Can't talk,

Can't do anything that I like

I know I've been warned before about straining my voice for teaching... but let's keep the timings apart - instead of a conventional 8 am to 5 pm, I do a 3 hr shift of 5.30 pm to 8.30 pm.

It still works, I still get to teach, and I get to earn.

Maybe next year, I'll get full time, who knows, right?

And you know what's funny - I am expected not to teach, but people have been making me speak - look at that irony!

I HATE THIS.

I HATE TONSILS. I HATE THAT I AM SICK. I HATE THAT I AM NOT ABLE TO TEACH. I HATE THAT I WANT TO AND I HAVE BEEN TOLD NOT TO.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S WORSE? I DON'T KNOW IF THE KIDS MISS ME. IF THE KIDS WOULD TAKE MY CLASS AS MUCH AS I WOULD TAKE A BULLET FOR THEM.

I'M DYING ON THE INSIDE TO TAKE A CLASS AND BE WITH THEM.

I'M READY TO TAKE CLASS WITH THE TONSILS INFLAMMATION, BUT WOULD THEY GO TO THE SAME LENGTHS TO PREPARE FOR THEIR BOARDS?

IM NOT TELLING THEM TO FALL IN LOVE WITH SCIENCE LIKE A MADMAN, THE INDIAN CURRICULUM DOESN'T APPRECIATE IT EITHERWAY... SO...

THE QUESTION OF THE HOUR IS, IF IM READY TO SACRIFICE MY HEALTH FOR THEM, WHAT LENGTHS WOULD THEY GO FOR THEIR FUTURE?

AND NOT TO GET TOO EMO ON THIS, BUT WOULD THEY WANT ME AS THEIR TEACHER?

WILL THEY MISS ME AFTER THE CLASSES ARE DONE?

PROBABLY NOT.

THAT'S WHAT KILLS ME ON THE INSIDE.

IT HAPPENS EVERY YEAR - A student comes in. An aspirant, with willingness to work hard and do well. They do a great job, all the exercises, practice, and hard work. They'd stay up awake to finish their project and assignments.

But does anyone remember me after that? Maybe not. Maybe remembering me is not the point. They need to carry lessons, lessons from the text, from life, and learn to live a fulfilling life.

They need to learn to live happily, freely, with dignity, integrity, patience, honesty, and principles.

Life is a lot more than just books and scores.

I hope my students do well this year. I really hope so; because I started late, I still need to finish the last chapters in physics and chemistry. and then do practice papers and revision tests.

As and when January comes, I need to make sure they start in Board paper practice also.

I'm so worried for them and I so helpless right now. God help me.

HR
12 / Nov / 2025
17.24