This is a series of e-mails I've written to my Genius, a special friend whom I cannot lose. I do love him, but I don't need for the love to be returned, just accepted. Letters to the one who taught me love, my Genius.
Ages ago, in the times of letters, lovers used to write to each other. They used to fight against the world, together for each other. And here I am, writing e-mails instead of letters because I don't dare to face him and confess my truth.
Not like I cannot write handwritten letters to him; I've done that too, I've written to him so many many times... letters, notes, in my diary, and emails
Well, at least the emails are not so personal, and I need to archive them until I take them down in my notebook XP
So, these e-mails have been from April-October 2021. The e-mails in order are as follows:
Do note, these may seem like rants and you may be clueless as to what the context was... well, keep guessing xP | I'm just here to archive the emails XP
June 8, 2020 - ihateyou.exe
Yo Genius!
I hate you, you know?
Like take all the love in the world, its exact amount, but inverse. Hate. All the hate in the world I try to store with care and utmost safety under 1 name. Your name. Sid.
The Hate I have for Sid.
You remember, I once said I love you?
That's exactly why I hate you.
I love you. You don't love me back. And that's fine because I don't expect you to love me back because I love you. You should love me, because you love, me.
And I feel prohibited from loving you, because I cannot.. I am unable to. You are soo far away!
This is why I hate you
I love you
I feel prohibited when you are far because my love desires to see you, to speak to you and have fun with you
Thats why I hate you
I love you
I don't even know where you are, and I cannot see your recent pictures and we don't even text anymore and I really miss you but I ain't saying it because you don't miss me too
Thats why I hate you
I love you
There is a movie close to my heart,
Called 'Five feet apart'
A dedication to all patients and survivors
And lives that breath, living legendary warriors
Their steadfast rule, is to be six feet apart
In the movie, She wants a touch so bad, from a CFer, from her lover! She craves, the love craves the touch of their lover, just once.. to know how it feels.
I crave it too, just to meet you one more time
I crave to see you, hear you, smell you, touch you and know you.. all of you, from inside out and backwards and forwards
I crave to know your deepest darkest secrets and your nightmares that don't let you sleep, I crave to know the dreams you work so hard for and the losses you have had to handle as if its a price to pay for a dream to strive to reality
I crave, a sound, a laughter, a dinner, a dance, and maybe, if its not too much then a kiss under the stars on a full moon night too. I want the world to know, you are the one I love and it'll never stop, deeper than the oceans and more vast than the universe itself.
My love to you will be a riddle for the universe to solve
I love you, I hate you.
I hate you, because I love you and I cannot love you the way I want to love you.
Guess, you'll be my moon then; something I adore and love, from afar.
A never ending love till I die and you wont even know it.
Thats sad. But that's why I hate you, I hate me, because I cannot love you the way I want to. Nevertheless
I love you
April 16, 2021 - Stop Raining!!
It should stop raining!
What??!! Don't gimme those weird looks from your pretty face and just ask "why" out loud.
"Why?" you ask??
Geez.
It should stop raining, and bear my narcissism, but every time it rains
I think about you / I remember you and the memories that were locked away in a deep place that pop up like ads in my Spotify playlist!
and to think about you, every day is so tiring
and to start imagining that you wouldn't think about me... it's scary
why did I have to love you?
dummy! why can't you see it?
Love,
R
April 28, 2021 - I wanna have a bestie
... and I choose YOU!
I know you don't love me like I love you. And I'm probably over it. [Probably] and I wanna have a bestie to do amazing things with.
And I wanna do these 'amazing things' with you.
I know you don't believe in best friends, but come on - apart from the fact that you don't have to be a 'best friend' to help out each other in times of need - do you tell everyone your secrets? Do you really trust all the friends in your life so easily?
Besties can call up at 2am and talk to each other - they'd talk to their friend even if they are asleep themselves [not to remember that you, like a childish fool maybe, did both!]
I mean, who does that even? Coming over with a birthday cake all the way to your college - and you said nothing! We had fun (at least I did, and I hope you did too.)
I wanna be the friend you do amazing crazy awesome things with!!
It's like, if I'm allowed to get cheesy and flirty I'd say, "My Crazy loves your Crazy"
Ah, I miss ya
Love ya.
Take Care.
Love
R
June 27, 2021 - You? Really?
You know, on the 26th, when I started my 25th year; the entire time I believed that I was the last person to text my 'happy birthday radha!' was going to be someone really special.
And because I hardly have as many friends as people think I have, the handful of close ones wished me early; and to be honest I didn't text or wish or remember at all!!
But you were the last one to text - I don't know what the universe means by this!!
Am I without friends? Are you the special one? If yes, why are you so special huh?
Or was it just a coincidence? Maybe the universe loves to play tricks on me... that's the only thing that makes sense.
Ah well, shucks.
miss ya dummy
Love
R
27.06.2021
21:27
June 28, 2021 - Phone Drop
Hey, dipshit!
It's not even necessary to tell this to you but I still have this urge to.
Ugh. Thank you for not loving me back, it all makes this hatred thing easier.
Well, coming to the main topic of the email, my phone slipped from my hand and had a bad fall. It's not working anymore but I am taking it to the service centre tomorrow.
I've been sending emails to people from my mail contacts, the important ones & I had a strong urge to include your name with them - because you are important too.
But when I asked myself I came to realize, we don't talk - at all, not like a real conversation, or maybe the conversations were real but you need not put up with me and my feelings. That's not your job.
I'm sorry I loved your soul and your mind, or whatever you showed me anyway
I'm so sorry for wanting a best friend from you
If you need anything, or someone to talk to, don't come to me.
Bye
R
P.S It's been raining for a few days now and as usual whenever it rains, especially in the afternoon I think about you. (and then hate me and you a little bit more)
July 3, 2021 - Pheli Baarish
The subject need not make sense every time you know ;)
It's the name of the song I've kept on loop while writing this email
It's the second time I'm hearing it right now.
The first time I heard all I could do was take a pause and think of you lovely you made me feel when I had a crush on you.
They were nice, I'm glad I'm your friend and thank you for staying by my side through thick and thin.
Let's keep in touch.
Love,
R
P.S. Went back to my draft folder, there are 6 emails drafted to you and I just cannot believe - 10 years ago, I had a crush on you! My, how time changes everything!
July 15, 2021: Plausible Relations
Heyyo!
The weather is pretty amazing, considering it's been raining for the past 3 days on and off - reminded me of Myself around you.
Like, how we speak of a topic, engaged, a proper lengthy conversation, although text-based.... and then there are times where both of us are engaged with work...
Did I tell you, the rains remind me of you?
Also, I have to tell you this funny thing, today while I was a little zoned out, I had the craziest idea of us being in a relationship!
We both gel well, I like you, we've known each other surface wise for a long time and both of us are crazy and emotional and I think we'd be great together! Right!!
Funny, I always feel it's impossible for us to move further ever since you said you don't consider me more than a friend...
Ah... anyway, it's time for me to get back to work...
Take care bud
Love
R
July 16, 2021: Sometimes
Sometimes, when the time comes, the wind blows through your window, your hair ruffles in the breeze and the song come onI just get flustered for a minute and feel like saying, "Sid, I love you."
And then I smile at my crazy self and decide to write an e-mail.
Oh. for how long will I keep at this?
Anyway, it's gonna rain soon, imma go get my cup of elixir.
Seeya around
Take care
Love
R
July 28, 2021: Remember Remember...
Heyya, It's probably been long, how are ya today?
I hope life treats you well.
It's raining today, right now as I draft this email to you
It's been raining for more than an hour now.
It's been more than an hour that I thought of you, miss you
I always tend to remember you during the rains, don't know why, but I do.
I guess there is a memory of you telling me that you like the rain.
:)
So, tbvh, I thought of you yesterday too.
I really wish I could tell you but it wouldn't be fair to just throw my existence in your life when you've signed me that you don't need me or want me or whatever.
I just wish you knew how much I love you
R
August 6, 2021: Wishing a Rendevous
Heyy,Today, the 6th of August is my friend, Shravyas' birthday and we are going to meet at MG Road today
I do have to go collect my certificates though - it is on priority. Nonetheless, I'll be meeting her along with Divya and something inside me
stirs my soul that I just cannot shake away.
I have a feeling I'll bump into you, sometime at MG Road, maybe near truffles at 3pm? maybe I will, maybe i will not.
My heads messing with me, because I miss you and haven't spoken to you in a while
I need to though. It's like my soul is deprived of you.
Your presence, your words, your voice, your face,
your skin, your touch, your eyes, your laughter
and you
and all the memories I have of you.
I feel like I subconsciously wanted to bump into you, which is why I came up with it and cannot shake it off
Anyways, I got to go now
Jaane
with <3
R
August 7, 2021: So...
It was.Shravyas' birthday yesterday... we finished collecting our necessary certificates and we headed for lunch, blossoms, and Church st Social.
I had a burger with fries for lunch
Brought 1 poetry book by Micheal Faudate & had 1 kamikaze shot.
I, soon after the shot started to have a headache, maybe it was the cold... maybe it was the shot... probably just me, the open hair, wind flowing through it
It was a great day. Church st social reminded me of you, which made me miss you
Uh, I'll always miss you dummy
Love
R
September 22, 2021: I'm glad that you're glad, but...
15.28 | Aftaab by Local Train
I'm glad that you're glad that I ain't suicidal anymore
Mujhe samaj nhi aa raha, sach keh doon ya tere haan pe haan milake Thank You keh doon par yeh email writing that I'll never send works a lot, so thanks for that!
But I cannot confess right away that I do get shots of serious depression
I'm walking on a very thin line between sanity and insanity and sometimes I cannot take it anymore...
I still get these shots of depression but I try to focus on my mental and physical health, i.e. I try to find distractions toward happiness
And lemme tell ya, it ain't easy. It's difficult.
And during these shots of depression, I try really hard to be kind to everyone, get work done and have 'a good social life' - sab bakwas hai - the only true thing in this entire email will be a statement that goes like, "No one has it easy"
If and when these shots of depression (depression for a short period) last longer... I get suicidal. Just wanna bake that cake with some nice nice DNA chelating EtBr in 3mL quantity [I know it won't promise a quick death, but a painful one! Maybe 10 mL would do good in the cake batter!!] [All that is random science banter... EtBr is a DNA chelating agent that is known to cause cancer, if consumed in high amounts as much as 1ml!]
Anyways, that's not your problem. And I want to know what yours is. I want to be there by your side like you were there for me... bas haath thaam tujhe tere manzil thak chood aaun. Par kabhi kabhi lagtha hai ke you'll not allow yourself to open up anymore because you've been hurt enough. Sahi hai, you're just protecting yourself, not selfish, self-defence. I appreciate that, with agony of not being a good friend.
till the next email
R
16.28| 22.09.2021
Main tera constant nhi, tu mera constant hai! Khair, Gujju, I'm coming!
04.53 IST
02-06-2022
Heyyo,
It's been quite long after our last (awkward) call in November where I confessed to you that I like you and it was since 8th grade. [And, "sorry for the interruption yaar, tera #friyay party shayad kharab ki"]
Anyway, despite all the awkwardness and silence, I wanted to tell you, something important... I'm leaving the city.
I got a job in Gujrat, Ahmedabad - as a writer... I have thoughts about it and it's okay for now, for the time being. Something to keep my monkey mind busy while I swoon at the thought of science as I also tutor and take in the fun of being an awesome teacher.
[Out of relation hai, phir bhi kehna hai, I got a student who is in 10th ICSE - FOR BIOLOGY!!!!!! Can you believe it? I cannot! I never can, Biology itna aasan toh hai!] Par anyway, I have fun teaching the kid :) ]
Kabhi kabhi na, I hate you par tumse baat karne ka mann hota hai. Tumse baatein share karne ki mann hoti hai - par keh nhi pati, and I don't know why main itti badi gadhi hokar humare bond ko uljah kar ek aise mod pe laa khada karti hoon ki hum baat karna chahe toh awkward ho jata hai.
Maine abhi abhi, :"Never Kiss Your Bestfriend" dekhar aayi hoon. S1 toh kal katam ki, 4 din lage par S2 na 1 shot binge kar daldi, so shayad yeh mera yeh sab kehna uske influence pe ho? I don't know.
I toh infact pata bhi nhi kya keh rahi hoon, it's just I like being with ya and talking to ya and acha lagta hai yaarr.... barosa hai ki main tumpe, confide kar sakthi hoon. I know I could CHOOSE YOU TO BE MY CONSTANT, MY POLE STAR. But I also know, you won't choose me back. It's just, I don't know why though...
Khair, Guj ja rahi hoon, yeh shher aur tumhe chodke, kehna that tumse, toh likh diya.
Issi see kaam chalana padta hai yaar, kya hi karon!
Mera toh itna hi tha, tu bata, kya haal hai? Agar asal me padh raha hai toh WA mein Hi bhej diyo kabhi, acha lagega.
Bohot mann kar raha hai tumhe ek aakhri baar dekhne ko!
Par tu konsa mujhe miss karega! XP
Chal, kamra saaf karni hai, Bye
Talk to you soon!
Love,
R
05.11 IST
02-06-2022
Nayi Shuruart
16-06-2022
14.24
I'm at my new workplace, Lampros Tech as I write to you. It's nice and a little overwhelming to be very honest. The last 5 days have been very fast. Too many changes and people and city and the way of life is completely new. Aisa lagta hai jaise Maine ek nayi zindagi shuru kiya hai. Looking forward while missing Bengaluru.
I'm glad today's a Thursday coz I can really use a good break to breath and accept that I'm now in Ahmedabad.
I'm far from my city, my friends and you.
Miss ya buddy,
Have a great weekend
Love,
R
14.26
16-06-2022
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