I amount to something!

 or that's what I told myself when I heard a part of me telling, nay, almost convincing me that I amount to nothing!

 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

'Twas 10 am on this bright beautiful day of 11th december 2025... and all I could remember was:

1. Oh, I need to visit TWC for the month and treat myself - the friday treat calls me.

2. Oh, I need to get my salary though

3. this time, it won't be much... due to the sick leaves and the unpaid sick leave policy which handicaps me financially... plus, need to pay for health insurance

4. need to get health insurance for Kanna also

5. need Kanna to write every Sunday 2 pm - 5 pm... I spoke to him, he said he'd speak to his parents about the writing part-time thing.

6. maybe financial consulting? He did say he could do it...

7. How about a LinkedIn Post? I could post about it often... or at least once in 3 months?

well, what if he gets a client? he'll need a business card!

 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

And so, opened Canva, made a business card for my dear hubby who'd be a financial consultant soon.

or so I hope.

and I did tell him in my head - you belong in the higher table, doing great things - you aren't like me - a lady with a Masters degree, being a part time tutor who's closing up with fear and out of respect for her in-laws... go on, go out there,  claim the world that's yours.

I amount to nothing, but you can do so much... go be a king, you amount to something more than me... Go Kanna... be awesome!

[Anyway, I just want him to be freely doing what he wants to do and what he loves to do!]

 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

it's 10.37 now as I type this...

I just texted him... "making you happy, makes me happy" and there was a voice inside, screaming - 'LIAR! you don't do things that can make you happy because you're too afraid of being your true self.'

seeing me bloom makes you happy? really? that shizze?

I can barely feel like myself when your parents are around and you don't get it... so get this - I'm going to act as per everyone's needs and I'll pass when my time comes - maybe on someone's 11th birthday.

 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

I need to go, Ishan's class in 5.

HR

10.41

11 / Dec / 2025

it's not the same anymore

 or maybe it is.

I don't know, I came across a few of my saved reels from Instagram - trying to find a funny reel on a dope anime and its intro music; but it led me to a whirlpool of other saved reels.

i felt different - I felt a part of me calling out to me, that version of me who saved it because and the version of me who just got a reminder.

And this reel on "most romantic movies of all time" that was just an arrow to the heart.

I used to be a romantic, used to remember all the little details, used to remember dates and times, and color of the leaf that fell, or the color of the shirt he wore.

it feels all too weird.

did i ever truly love anyone? wasn't it saved for my husband?

and yet why is it that I can't feel myself with him?

why is it that I just want to run away to a corner? or play the radio and go rounds in brigade gardenia? or listen to the radio and walk all the way to Sabarmati at Vasna? Why is it that I love him, but I can't reach him across the KSR station?

It feels all too weird. 

It's not the same anymore,

the romantic me,

the me who remembers dates and colors

the me who had aspirations,

the me who used to love watching love stories and movies

nowadays, I watch them to get a feeling of my old self that I miss darn much.

HR
13 / nov / 2025
11.35 am IST

I've got this, and I've got that

I'm angry, I'm upset, and I'm listening to Saiyaara on loop with a volume soo loud I can barely hear myself.

I've got tonsils and I've got no class today

Can't teach,

Can't talk,

Can't do anything that I like

I know I've been warned before about straining my voice for teaching... but let's keep the timings apart - instead of a conventional 8 am to 5 pm, I do a 3 hr shift of 5.30 pm to 8.30 pm.

It still works, I still get to teach, and I get to earn.

Maybe next year, I'll get full time, who knows, right?

And you know what's funny - I am expected not to teach, but people have been making me speak - look at that irony!

I HATE THIS.

I HATE TONSILS. I HATE THAT I AM SICK. I HATE THAT I AM NOT ABLE TO TEACH. I HATE THAT I WANT TO AND I HAVE BEEN TOLD NOT TO.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S WORSE? I DON'T KNOW IF THE KIDS MISS ME. IF THE KIDS WOULD TAKE MY CLASS AS MUCH AS I WOULD TAKE A BULLET FOR THEM.

I'M DYING ON THE INSIDE TO TAKE A CLASS AND BE WITH THEM.

I'M READY TO TAKE CLASS WITH THE TONSILS INFLAMMATION, BUT WOULD THEY GO TO THE SAME LENGTHS TO PREPARE FOR THEIR BOARDS?

IM NOT TELLING THEM TO FALL IN LOVE WITH SCIENCE LIKE A MADMAN, THE INDIAN CURRICULUM DOESN'T APPRECIATE IT EITHERWAY... SO...

THE QUESTION OF THE HOUR IS, IF IM READY TO SACRIFICE MY HEALTH FOR THEM, WHAT LENGTHS WOULD THEY GO FOR THEIR FUTURE?

AND NOT TO GET TOO EMO ON THIS, BUT WOULD THEY WANT ME AS THEIR TEACHER?

WILL THEY MISS ME AFTER THE CLASSES ARE DONE?

PROBABLY NOT.

THAT'S WHAT KILLS ME ON THE INSIDE.

IT HAPPENS EVERY YEAR - A student comes in. An aspirant, with willingness to work hard and do well. They do a great job, all the exercises, practice, and hard work. They'd stay up awake to finish their project and assignments.

But does anyone remember me after that? Maybe not. Maybe remembering me is not the point. They need to carry lessons, lessons from the text, from life, and learn to live a fulfilling life.

They need to learn to live happily, freely, with dignity, integrity, patience, honesty, and principles.

Life is a lot more than just books and scores.

I hope my students do well this year. I really hope so; because I started late, I still need to finish the last chapters in physics and chemistry. and then do practice papers and revision tests.

As and when January comes, I need to make sure they start in Board paper practice also.

I'm so worried for them and I so helpless right now. God help me.

HR
12 / Nov / 2025
17.24

shorts: #4 She is Maya

The leaves are blue and the wild dogs howl in midnight rain.

White lilies glowing with luminescence and the sparrows sing a song to put the forest to rest.

The lullaby is in tune with the honey drops from the skies and the rainbow-moon makes the firmament flamboyant.

The swans and ducks cuddle in their nests… while the ‘gators and crocs are off to sleep after a herby meal tonight.

The animals of the jungle are resting in the calm tranquility of the green mother.

She walks in the night, from one edge of the forest to another and back in a different route. She does this… again and again and again; over and over till the skies turn blue. She wakes up the wilderness with her flute and soon the birds join in their morning song.

The lion roars, the tigers and cats' mew, the foxes and wolves join in a howl. The flowers spread their aroma over the greens and with the first ray of the sun, the forest awakens.

It’s time she leaves. So, she visits each district of the big earth and bids them a goodbye… until they see her in the evening.

She’s the spirit of the land, the goddess of life who cares and guards.

She is Maya. The divine personified.

A wanting...

I have been thinking of something, for a very long while, although it was a long time ago I used to get the thought; these days I only get flashes of it.

A thought, of wanting and longing;
To Die.

It's not there these days, but it crept on me once about 5 years ago and has managed to linger in there for a very long time. 

random rants #1

 It's 10.33, I'm listening to Khalasi from youtube, the weather is cloudy with a chance of showers around 12 pm and I'm married, sitting on the bed wondering, "How do I utilize my time today?"

This feeling visits me often... all the time on the world doesn't seem enough to do the work I need to accomplish - the home, the job search, the PHD research proposal, the Diploma in Cancer Bio course, the Pedigree chart workbook!

So much to do, so less time!

Maybe I can start working faster.

Maybe I can start working at a proper place that's not a bedroom

Maybe... there must be a way to break this cycle...

It's too guilt-trippy.

this laptop soesn't charge properly damn it!

my stuff are messy, the head, the thoughts, #struggling with clarity.

im turning 28 in 2 weeks. fml.

sequences and consequences

I'm a lot of things. 

Smart, beautiful, funny, creative.

But I'm also lazy, procrastinator, easy going. 

And then what happens when I lack discipline at the time of need?

Adverse effects. A cascade of unhappy events.

This was bound to happen.

Never have I ever:

• Been in trouble because I followed rules
• Given others trouble by being on time
• Gotten into trouble because I had a regime and a discipline for myself.

You know, there's a famous physics law - the 3rd law of motion, that states 

"every action has an equal and opposite reaction"

I wish someone had told me this is true for life too.

Every Action and Inaction taken / done / made - has a specific consequence - that also ripples with tidal effects.

And recently, my life has full of it.

Every action I made has an effect on 3 immediate people who are either associated with the task or near me.

And every inaction that goes away unnoticed and untended to leaves an impression lasting for life - just that, we won't know it now. It's always taking it's time... the snowball rolls slowly (or so we think, but let's be real, everything - everything falls with the same acceleration due to gravity)

and then - everything that's good or bad falls - maybe out of place or in place and this clouds our minds to chaos and disorder.

And that's when we got to do a few things:

* breath. slow down.

* trace your steps as what went wrong and when (throw in a 'why' to justify and feel less guilty xP )

* deal with those emotions - mostly, just sit with them. let them flow, welcome them, watch them, and don't react to it, respond rather. let them leave in peace 

* plan your next steps

* chart out sequences and consequences of the actions you're yet to take.

* try to be prepared for every curveball life throws at you

* keep space for uncertainty and uncountable factors

and lastly,

* TAKE ACTION WITHIN ITS DUE TIME.

Respect time before it loses its respect for you.