My life has its ups and downs but I never actually noticed them till I reached college.
Most of my childhood is a blur and I guess I could thank the school for it. Although I was never an A grade student till 8th and focused more since 9th (tbh, 10th onwards..) all the nonsense that I faced was overpowered by my concentration being in the present moment or in the past or my superpower of slipping into oblivion in a beat. I always reminisce about the time I spent with my friends and family
I just cannot stress how my naivety, my habit of reminiscing or being busy with school work had kept me away from noticing the most important pattern my life has.
Every 5 years, I hit a peak.
Born in '97, my 1st peak was probably my birthday... at '98
2003, at Age 6, I had made my first set of friends, I was learning about the world
2008, I was at peak of my middle school, I was doing better, I had a best friend and we'd do our homework together. We used to spend most of our time together.
2013, I was in 10th grade, worked my ass off to gain that 8.6 CGPA and fell in love, was allowed to go out with friends and do awesome things!
I also had my first phone.
I miss that peak, I was transformed into something so better, I wanted to have her again...
April 2013-2015, Depression hit in my senior high, was getting a little suicidal sometimes but I remembered how hard it would be for my fam if I was not around. It would be sad even after I left. I thought it's better to struggle, survive and emerge a survivor post senior high. And that's exactly what I did.
I kept in mind, that lil naive girl from 2012... learning about plants and falling in love with them. She wanted to pursue her PhD in Botany.
She even knew which college in the city she wanted to get into. She knew her dreams and was so confident with all the innocence of the great big world out there. She dared to dream, she dared to walk down the path no matter what because it was important second to O2.
2015-2018, Peak years, Graduate school. I had gotten into the same college I had wished for when I was in 10th.
It seemed as if dreams would come true If you pursue it with all you've got.
I live with Nani, my maternal grandmum who cared for me, not as a child but as an adult. I realized I was way too pampered within my 4 walls as an introvert.
Being around her, made me a little more receptive to the world and responsible to my fam.
Those 2 years of adjusting to a person you've never lived with paid off in my final year. The final year of grad was hectic, literally, neither time to breath nor time to die. But she understood me in those 2 years as I did her and so navigating my final year was frosting on a pastry! It was Smooth!!
That was my peak. 2018.
I also got into my Master's Course.
Unfortunately (or fortunately) in the same college where I had completed my Bachelors from.
The department knew me like Krebs Cycle.
But I guess y'all should realize. Every peak must have a base. Well, I had bases and valleys.
Bases were times when, although everything shits you and screws you over, you can handle yourself one day at a time or a week at a time.
Valleys were not days, they were seasons. Seasons of depression, anxiety and the feeling of never being enough, never doing enough or never doing something worth it. It was hard to eat, hard to sleep, hard to breathe, hard to wake up, hard to exist.
Every day, my existence would scream silently. Enduring words and noises and I used to turn to music. Shun all the words that make me sad, shun all the noise that makes me sick of myself.
I had such bases. My bases were in 2001-2002. UKG was bad, or as much as I remember - Sad. I don't remember much from Grade 1 or 2.
2004 sucked hard, I had come to this new school. Again, hardly remember anything cause of my superpower to live in the moment or oblivion in a snap.
I do remember 7th & 8th were not so fun., but got used to it, 8th was when I had a crush on this guy from my class, so again, running into oblivion and daydreaming about the guy kept me away from the drama the school had to offer me.
And I've already stated about the depressing times in 2013-2015. I hardly had friends who'd talk to me.
Since 2018 has been done and dusted.
I'm in a mess right now. 2020 and 2021 have hit me hard and how.
Although, I believe I'm transitioning to something better. It's coming. I know it is, I think I'm trying to get there.
It's like I'm walking a 5km tunnel (metaphorically where every 1km is a year), and I can see nothing but a very faint light at its end. It's all foggy.. but I know I have to keep ongoing.
This year was worse than 2020, the pandemic has shifted everyone's angle on life. But to me, it put me on a path.
This stupid path of trying various jobs to find my right fit, until I hear my calling.
Probably 2022 is going to be nice. 2022 is going to be my climb to my 2023 peak.
I won't risk it. I'll give it my all.
Also, shout out to Music. Thank you for being by my side when I was alone, scared or hurt. Especially to give me hope in life when I was suicidal or hopelessly in love
R
22.11.2021
20.43
