Quarantine Uncertainity : A rant on my past 2 months

Life is uncertain at times, even if we make plans for the future up to five years from now or have our full week organized or just choose to go with the flow.

I am a mix of the 3 kinds mentioned above. I do plan for my day/week as much as possible, with dreams stretching to the next five years, always. But sometimes, I feel happy-go-lucky and feel like let's just have some fun today and go with the flow - this happens mostly either when I know what is going to happen or when I know nothing at all and am hit with uncertainty.
I guess everyone is, yet sometimes things don't go as planned and a butterfly effect flows.

Recently, i.e past 2 months - ever since Graduation of my Masters to be accurate; has been a downward spiral of chaos and confusion and uncertainty and unhappiness ( not sadness, unhappiness - I am not sad, but I am not happy either.) I am just mostly confused and sometimes lost.

My mum asked me a few days ago, "It has been almost 2 months, what have you achieved?"
I couldn't answer her. What do I say to a question like that?
I look back to the past and I can see myself trying to work on a day plan I try to keep for myself because at times like these, discipline and good thoughts and keeping yourself productive is essentially crucial. I have tried thrice and failed all three times. I don't know what to do anymore and I am grateful my mental health is still in green one if not my area considering the virus-infected personal lives nearly 5 km away from my house.

I worked on my blog and my poetry book and have sought so many jobs and job portals. I have also invested myself in a game that made me write a fan-fic, also, I got back to anime and watching shows! It feels like a 2-month well-deserved vacay. But I want to stop now.

The coming of June and we're broke, officially. I need to get a job, I need to clear my exams, I need to participate in webinars and get myself a certificate or two to show off on my resume.
It's saddening, and maddening!!

I need a pattern in my life! And I cannot find it because:
1. no one would cooperate
2. Leave me alone for 6 hours fro the things I need to do? Impossible!
They would find it impossible, I believe. I don't know. Its just soo.. ugh!

Recently my mom has been contacting agencies to make sure I get a Masters or a Ph.D. from overseas. I mean..? What?

Albeit I have not been studying for my NET exam, which I will start soon - hopefully, I want to be here in India for some more time. I had a plan of finishing up my exams and take up a job for a year or two when I'd study and clear the NET exam by then.. but she and her plans are throwing in more colors into my life - confusing me a bit more as if the confusion and the pain in my head were never enough!

Someone? Save me?
I...

uh, stay in for updates and more stories, that seem like rants?
I don't know. Sorry

Buh bye for now

R.K
23-05-2020
13.20

Green Lantern is an awesome movie. Fight me

Green Lantern is awesome. 

There, I said it.

Also, this post is going to be in green, what can you do about it? 

Nothing. Exactly.

That's the exact thing I want you to do when you realize that the opinion of the movie is mine alone.

Opinions differ for everyone because we are our own individuals, and I believe Green Lantern is awesome.

Fight me if you can (want). Let me see you try... 

The story is subtle on the awake of 'The Green Lantern' being a human - and that's the beauty of it I guess. The story arch is like light bending around the curves of the Earth - absolutely gorgeous.

Now, I am not going to tell you the story - either go watch it or read it, your choice, I leave to you alone to it. I am going to tell you why I find it awesome, from an insanely naive novice vision of a person who admires Ryan Reynolds, in movies and as a person, and in every character, he takes up as a new avatar of himself

The story is of a Hal, a mere human, whose work is deadly and requires him to be fearless nonetheless. Now, I presume that you've read it or seen it.. so let's talk...

We know he is reckless and a fighter, he has ways of finding trouble and getting out of it. He is mildly scared to fall in love and to be vulnerable while at the same time he is a big-hearted - made of nice stuff like Cotton candy and gummy bears and candy canes and toffees. Hal is cares (like for his family and his nephew) while being irresponsible too ( like the present he gave, and while Carol came over, to "talk" ) 

He is open to new things, especially new responsibilities. 

Fight me on this, come on

He is portrayed to be irresponsible, but when it comes down to the task, he is responsible enough to get it done - whether it was defeating the new F-35s or defeating The Parallax. 

He is not afraid, as much as he is for the right reasons. 

He defended himself near the parking lot, he defended Carol and the people in the helicopter, and the lady who was almost a victim to the doings of a Parallax. 

The relationship clearly has nothing more than sparks of Hal and Carol throughout the movie but ends up in fireworks, has he takes up the job of a Green Lantern seriously. and they are clearly mature enough to state that they are in love with each other, fearlessly. 

Some part of me, throughout the movie, made me think that I resonate with Hal - a tiny little fraction, little yet non-unsignificant; it made me feel that we are our own Green Lantern in our own way. 

Don't you think? The will power of a human is strong, maybe the strongest. The will that one can do so many things if they just set their hearts and minds to it. 

I speak for myself when I say I found it inspirational.

If you don't like it, cool, but let's not allow the indifference to bring a haze between us, okay?

I think I wanted to write a blog post of a movie in terms of a partial review because of the criticism it had received. The movie came out in 2011, I was in 8th grade, or at the last year of my junior high (whichever eases you). Now imagine, telling a naive 14-year-old child, who is already fantasied by science and science fiction and the powers of the advancing technology. You tell her that a ring of green color can give you powers? What did you expect for her to do?

I had waited a long time, nearly 9 years till I got my hands on the movie for free on a player; namely Amazon Prime. Lucky me, I got to watch that movie finally to see what the hype was all about. 

Throughout these 9 years, I've been having to see mild spoilers and memes and stuff about Green Lantern go round and about the internet; thankfully it did not spoil much of the movie experience for me. I also need to add the fact that after Deadpool, Ryan himself, albeit the sky-rocketing stardom he rose to, did not appreciate that people did not appreciate the Green Lantern movie - I always got that vibe and I was so sad - I had to know why people liked it or disliked it or what the hype was all about - which was powered by the innate curiosity that the little naive girl of 14 carried.

And by all means, I believe this is one of the most important movies for me - in terms of Ryan's acting which I found abundantly phenomenal, the lesson that will power is strongest in humans, and humanity is a power by itself. Never let go off your principles and always stick by your family. Be Good, because it's the right thing to do. the screen pair that Ryan and Blake got to mingle on the sets at shooting and sparks flew off to lead to their wedding and even see them have two little adorable babies! (Omg! They are sooo cute!)

I am a Marvel fan and a DC fan. I ain't got favorite studios, but I've got fave stories.

Until later, 

RK.

Back to the past: #3

#3: New Beginnings

15.09.19, 19.19 IST

New beginnings, it's a happy tittle and it's a justified title.

Why? I'll tell you why...

Today marks new beginnings to me writing, 1 page every day. I am a writer or so I do at least I call myself just as others claim me to be.

I write poems, and maybe they'll be called poetry one day, and sometimes prose and memos, a bit more than my blogs.

It is very rare or may I say, unusual for me to sit down to write a prose

Well, my mom and a dear neighbor of ours, a kind wise old gentleman have wished for long for me to start writing - 1 page every day. 

This is the initiative, I try to keep up from today. 

I hope to keep this up for the longest while possible because fear grips me and my attention from all the past initiatives I've ever adopted or taken up - the fact that I've always abandoned it after some time.

   Now, one thing that yet brings me joy is that it's unlike poem writing or poetry. Writing poems is something I do, with a full heart and only if I ever come up with one, but prose? Prose writing doesn't take much effort as poem writing takes for me. Prose writing is thus something I am always open to, even if I feel like - that's where I being a professional procrastinator kick in - or maybe it's becauseI'm more expressive vocally, then verbally.

Oh well, let's take a chance and cheers to new beginnings

Until the next time

Yours,

RK

Back to the past: #4

#4: To each, their own

16.09.19, 18.05 IST

The title isn't just the title of this piece I write today; it's a thought I've had in my mind to contemplate for quite some time

I stalk people, i.e. follow them on social media as much as I can. If they are my fellow peers and friends. I'd know them personally and media-wise, and most of the time I follow especially the ones whom I have not met in like musicians or artists or authors - I follow them, not to know them, but to know their journeys.

Whatever they may have been through before publishing their art, music, or books...

To each, their own journey

For a non-blinding, obvious fact that I enjoy art and would like to promote it; I very much long to know what their journey has been like. Why? Because I believe they inspire me.

Some true journeys may even seem like fiction because it's hard to believe - but it's true that a human soul has faced it all and was able to reproduce their pain/happiness as art to the public

Many People, Many Stories

and to each their own

They inspire me, as I aspire to be

a bright star that once shone

Your blogger

R.K.

Feelings

Feelings, the most complex thing in a complex living system.

What are they? and why do we feel them? are constant questions I keep asking myself. It is to make one aware of their state of physical/mental/emotional pain and experience? Is it to make one aware of the other persons' pain? Why do we feel what we feel and how do we use it to our advantage? 

These are questions you can ask anyone, but most will fumble at the mere thought of it; as I did, when I asked myself the same; or like the time when someone asked me the grand purpose of life and existence and of this universe because it didn't make sense to them.

Well, I am just a girl, just like you wonderful humans, I too have my share of personal experiences and I too have still not found the answer to the questions above. 

And I just realized as I wrote the last line, does the word 'question' have its root to the word 'quest'? If it does then does it mean we have to tred on a journey, on a quest to find the answers? And how do we make that possible? 

Maybe, Life is the journey we tred and travel upon, learning one day at a time, trying to find the answers to these questions. No? (Don't agree? Leave your comments below then. Lets Fight!!) Because I have begun to believe that it is

Besides, one thing I was always fascinated about was "The Purpose of Life" it always made me feel as if there is more to our being than just breathing and doing a 9-5, or washing dishes and changing diapers. Not that it's bad, but there is more to a human than what meets the eye; and we want to reach that epoch, with the lingering problem being, How. How do we manage to reach an epitome of a lifestyle by not knowing how to get there? Maybe, this is where we make a path of our own when we cannot find a road to where we want to go.

It's just, sometimes I feel so much as 20 different emotions in 30 seconds and sometimes I just feel plain and numb for 2 hours straight. Funny, I really don't know what I feel now - it's like I have to submit an article in another one hour while not knowing how to even go about the article! It's just plain right now, neither stressed nor tensed. 

But I guess I am not alone, there must be someone who feels like this once in a while and that's okay by me. Maybe it's you, or the person next to you, or the person whom you remembered when I told'em to you. Either way, I know I am not alone, who feels. We all do.
Such complicated feels we all feel, so many feelings that can be distinguished with a thin line margin of difference.

Like, happy, ecstatic, elated, joy/joyous, they all mean almost the same but aren't. Then there are feelings like anger, stress, sadness, sorrow, pity, envy, jealousy - emotions that are far apart from each other and have different states of mind.

Sometimes I feel an emotion and I cannot place it under a certain type. Like when I got the job of a content creator, I was elated that I have a job and can keep myself not just busy but productive; yet I also felt a pinch that I have to cut time from watching anime - from 6 episodes per day to 2 or 3 because I choose to put my work first. We get to feel so many emotions for the same reason, and I kind of find that funny as well as intriguing.

But do you ever feel that feelings are just sensations, your mind gets? 
      Like, you experience heat and the cold and colour and dark and pain by your physical being, so what if emotions are those that can be perceived by your mind, redirecting you back to your mental health and well being? 

After all, it's your mind and your feelings. And you might want to control it because it may seem cool to be like ' Oh I am strong, I feel no pain' 'I have my emotions in control, I'll be fine' but in my fair and honest opinion, it is not. It is neither cool nor healthy for anyone to dominate their emotions - not that one shouldn't control. 

Understand the difference. Don't dominate, but control.

You feel angry? Okay. That was Step 1: Identifying the emotion. Step 2: Identifying the cause. Step 3: Feel the emotion, but don't move. (Especially if it is an emotion that can cause a wreck, then be patient, feel the emotion and do not move) Step 4: Control the emotion, don't dominate it. You are feeling it for a reason, that causes the emotion - (Step 5) try to use it to your advantage. Whenever I get angry at anyone at home or work, I choose best to not respond till my anger waves off, thus letting me concentrate at my work; sometimes I just watch an episode or 2 of my anime and I am back in the field with a new form. Get over the past. It is not easy, but necessary, and the smartest move that there is to do would be to deviate some time to yourself after a moment of agony. Ultimately, learn to be patient. It will guide you to peace. Inner peace, zen-like peace - Nah, I was just messing around. 

Or was I serious?
That, I'll leave up to you for the free guess

But all I know is, emotions and feelings, although complex, is an integral part of human lives, development, and evolution, with no exclusion to animals. Feel it, in fact, I'd say - SAVOUR IT! Because, you only live once. and as Will Trainor, my fave guy from Me Before You says, 

"You only get one life, it's your duty to live it to your fullest"

Until later buddy,
RK
13.05,2020
15.16 hrs

Back to the past: #1

Hello, due to quarantine, I finally tended to my messy room. As I went about the cleaning, I found some old papers, one page writings or so so, thus, I decided to e-archive them in this blog. I hope you enjoy the read. (I'll probably give my recent comments on the verses by italicising them within a bracket, like how I have donr for this.)

#1 : New Year is Here 

01.01.20,  20.18hrs IST

Hello! I am back at this writing thing again. (Well, I did write a few pages since september and then dropped dure to college work and stress mostly..) Well I wanted to start a few days earlier, but I didn't simply, guess I am kinda lazy like that (Heck! I am the freakin' QUEEN of Procrastination!) . So I've started writing this one page today as I take the advantage of the whole 'new year, new start' thing.
Baby steps, Baby girl.

I guess one could say that I've missed writing with a pen and paper (My fave mode of writing! Maybe I am a sucker for classics huh? )for 'oh. so. long'; because, honestly.. MY HANDWRITING SUCKS!! Bad time!! (It still is, its just that, sometimes in a quick flow, my pen drives my hand rather thann the opposite; in whose case I cannot read my own handwriting. I have trouble making out the words I firsthand scribbled on the piece of paper!) Or does it? Well in my fair defense, it's all a sense of perspections I believe. Don't you? ('K, I got to admit, I was pretty smart then, and I do agree with her!) 

I am definitely looking forward to doing it this year, (I tried, I hope I am not too late to try again, coz I really don't want to fail this year too) where I can keep this habit stuck and embedded in my DNA. And since it's the new years', ofcourse, without a doubt, I made myself a "To Accomplish List - 2020" with the supplementary "Health Goal List 2020"

My major goals that worry me are:

• Thesis: Practical work and writng (Done, properly, by Gods' grace; and my hardwork OfC!)
• NET/GATE exams (I missed an exam on my sisters' birthday, I didn't even know it was scheduled for then - I am messed up, I know. There are other exams to take care off too!)
• Driving License (Not happened yet, :( )
• My fitness and (Not carinng enoug, I am just greatful that I am not dead y the COVID 19)
• My Job (Fresher, Biotech industry, if you like my writing, I can do content writing too, free lancing too!)

My only other worry is about this writing thing, that I've got to keep up. (I didn't obviously, I dont have entries from Feb 2020 at all, got busy I guess.. Also, I am looking forward to starting again, if its not too late) 

I'd left it before for 2 main reasons: 

1. I couldn't come up with the topics to write about - the initiation was a bit difficult. If I had started writing the first 3 or 5 lines, I was bound to continue the writing to its max limit. But when I don't have topics to write from, how do I start? and how do I continue? 

2. I  did not prioritize this.

    So, whenever I found myself falling apart or being left behind, I used work myslef so hard and those times I used to struggle to write, sometimes alternative, sometimes once a week, until I completely stopped writing. It kinda hurts, because whenever I used to write, I could listen to the radio (- free songs - yay!!) and it felt kinda nice that I could take my mind off things and free my messy mind for a while.

I really hope I keep this up. (I clearly did not! XP)

Well, I know nothing is impossible if I am determined about it. Heck! I sure am looking forward to a very verbal-writing year! (I miss writing in pen and paper format, typing is cool and all, but I don't think it can beat paper and pen any day!!)  Maybe I could write my feelings of daily happenings and then finally get inot the habit of diary writing? 

So, thats all for now.

Write to you tomorrow.

Radha

01.01.2020

11.05,2020

01.19 hrs IST

Fates' design

I feel so tense right now, and writing my thoughts out is going to clear my mind. I can say that with an affirmation because I know that it has always helped me calm down, before also, and forever more in the future.

And this very blogging or writing and my freaked up determination has caught me up in a noose.

Since last year I made a list of goals I would want to achieve over the year, marks, talents, health and food and stuff...
So, this year, the year where I graduate from my masters, I has made a list; whose one of the many targets was to score a job before June.

Considering all events planned for the year would go smooth and my exams would be over..
But then, COVID 19 struck, and washed off all plans every single person had made for themselves - personally and professionally.
Which leads to me being a "graduate" without completing her exams!

Yet, I cannot sit idle - if you've read my previous blogs you'd know: I am a mad woman, who cannot sit still, I need to keep myself occupied. All of us need to.
And then, there is a problem of finance - how long can one survive with just savings ?
I need to get a job not only to keep myself busy but also to sustain my family and survive.
We are animals with survival instincts after all..

So, throughout May of 2019, despite my failed attempts at job applications
Just yesterday, I woke up in the morning and spent 1 'productive' hour job searching and applying.

I realized something soon after.

Because, after that job searching, I just felt low and sad and mad - at myself as if I was never enough for any company, for any position and felt useless. I went ahead with my household chores, demanding distraction from that thought. 

Soon after, I felt calm and again at night, just before falling asleep, I sent a few more applications from LinkedIn.

Today though, as soon as I woke up, I checked my phone (common, its not that you've never done it in your life!) and received a message from a Blog company, for the position of a Blog Writer.

Elated is what I felt (and still feel, thus present tense) and I told my sister, Ma doesn't know.

But, after washing the dishes for today I came back to my phone for updates form the said company, instead I got a missed call from another company, an arts company who wants me to work, first hand, being present, at M.G. Road!

That's my second offer. But at M.G.Road

I mean, not that its bad, but now, I got to choose.

WRITING vs 9-5

Intern vs Paid Job

Work From Home vs Work at Company.

No Travel vs Travel

I am conveniently listing my pros and cons I guess.

Maybe I can work at the art company and be a intern writer ?

I am waiting for responses from both of them. I'll probably take up the job.

Although, having no transport, during the times of Covid 19 is going to be a daring risky challenge. 

For a fact I was crying on the inside all these days for a job and getting two opportunities, it feels great (and many other emotion), but lets take a moment to praise Fates' design in my life.

That's all for now.

Lets talk later. 

Your 'awesome' blogger

RK

n0t 3n0u9h

Not Enough.

I am not enough, because I have failed as a daughter and as a sister today; or so I feel. My family will come around and tell me that I am fine, enlisting all my worst qualities and speak up on how they put up with it; but I cannot stand that any more now.

I have lived 22 years, and this 23rd year has been the most eventful - sad kind of eventful.
Everyone has a problem in their lives, with or without my intervention and it seems like doom is swaying its grace upon us. As if, things are going to be worse than what it is now. It terrifying; the future, the uncertainty, all of it. Its supposed to be, I guess.

R

06.05.2020

00.16