Excuses, Reasons and an Explaination

 Hi y'all!

As you all, my life is a completely atrocious wonderful mess and I am not going to brood on how I came to that state in the first place. I'm tired of living in the past memories that brings in sadness.

I was fired, I went on a mini-episode of depression as to why I was fired even though I did and gave my best to the company.

To be very honest and raw with y'all, I did slack starting mid-August. Well, there was this post on LinkedIn that went like, "You are valuable to the company as long as you value their time and efforts with you"

Well, I didn't feel like I was valued there, the CEO of my workspace was too busy with everything and management sucked but I understand that it was a start-up. They needed some space to grow and stabilize all at the same time.

But everything changed ever since Sahil Khanna came in and it went bad. I had faults in my part too, but to be fired? And on top of that to say that they were 'restructuring the content-design team' was utter bullcrap.

Anyways, I must admit although I did want to resign sometime in late December or so, I didn't expect myself to be put in a sudden spot of unemployment... that followed with a fortnight of depression and job hunting. Existing was hard, every single day.

And even before I know it, it was October and we were on a trip to Vrindavan.

Although the original plan was to visit Nani and tour the reins of Maa Durga or Maa Kali, i.e. Ma wanted to see Vaishnodevi whereas I wanted to see Durga Ashtami in Kolkata. (Remember I said October? Yeah, it was near Navratri. and thus such a plan.)

We came towards Haridwar and Hrishikesh for Ganga Snan (Bathing in the Ganges, which is considered Holy, as Maa Ganga in the Aqua form washes away our sins.)

Since we had been so close, we also decided to visit Shimla. My plan; Big mistake.

I roamed the lanes of Shimla, all by myself and the bus driver who kept a distance of 2-3 places behind me. I honestly don't even remember how he came to follow me but I do remember the fact that Di had called him, not me, him; and in response, he remarked sarcastically about me. I was there. I heard it all. I knew I had to go back as soon as possible and I did,

The only thing I remember was I had a slap on my face. I didn't speak much from there onward. I narrated the entire event's incidents to Ma. She scolded. I missed the sunrise of Shimla as if that could make anything better. I spoke very little since then - I guess I've spoken not much since then at all.

This swiftly went by, the month of October... the month of sadness, less speech and being broke.

As soon as we arrived back home, we knew there was hardly any time left for Deepawali, which was followed by my besties' brothers' wedding at a 4-day interval.

We spent the first few days to regain the facts of the entire ' Navratri Trip' - I cannot listen to 'Aaoge Jab Tum Ho Saajana' by Rahet Fateh Ali Khan anymore without thinking about the sad memories from the Shimla trip. [I found a new love in Music - Nikhil D'souza. Gosh, he be amazing! <3]

Nonetheless, Deepawali and the wedding kept us busy until Mum's flight back to Sharjah.

We, Me and Di took our time to settle in the fact that we are now alone. The maid was told to stop, payments were done and we had the responsibility to take care of ourselves.

I am a slow person eh? I guess. I mean, I did take 3 days to regain normality and the fact that I must search for jobs. [I did search for PhD positions too - well, that seemed like a far fetched dream. This was the period I got so lost with what I wanted to do with my life, But I had known one thing for sure - I do not want to ruin my resume with experiences that don't reward me well. And a content creators' job? For long though?]

1-week post Ma's arrival in the Emirates, I had sent my passport copy - never expected the E-Visa to arrive so soon. It had come in 3 days, the tickets were booked in less than 15 hours and 24 hours later...

Here I am, 25A on Air Arabia towards Shj on a flight, Gate number 37, Flight at 01.20 hrs IST [I'm in the waiting area actually, I didn't get a circle pin charger - so I am now charging the laptop that in turn charges my phone. Messed up eh?]

TBH, I guess, it's been these 30 minutes that I've got to myself to realize my past 2 1/2 months have been a crappy rollercoaster ride.

There was a special edition of me trying to learn about ADHD was, I suspect and subject myself to some non-sense mental trauma of whether I am sick or not, [I got an online test result of the cusp between  moderate-high] Well, turns out that was just my hormones messing my head during PMS

My boarding starts in 5 min | This was my story so far, | Can't soak it all in?

Well, I had lived through it all and couldn't handle it either. I'm a little better now though. This was probably the 30 sane minutes of my 3 months wherein I had some time to breathe.

Everything was so fast, I couldn't process them myself.

So, sorry to everyone who I didn't catch up with.

I love y'all. Thanks for reading my rants, listening to my rants and guiding me to a sane lane of existence.

Love, R

27.11.2021 | 00.53

Transitions through Valleys and Peaks. (My Journey so far)

My life has its ups and downs but I never actually noticed them till I reached college.

Most of my childhood is a blur and I guess I could thank the school for it. Although I was never an A grade student till 8th and focused more since 9th (tbh, 10th onwards..) all the nonsense that I faced was overpowered by my concentration being in the present moment or in the past or my superpower of slipping into oblivion in a beat. I always reminisce about the time I spent with my friends and family

I just cannot stress how my naivety, my habit of reminiscing or being busy with school work had kept me away from noticing the most important pattern my life has.

Every 5 years, I hit a peak.

Born in '97, my 1st peak was probably my birthday... at '98

2003, at Age 6, I had made my first set of friends, I was learning about the world

2008, I was at peak of my middle school, I was doing better, I had a best friend and we'd do our homework together. We used to spend most of our time together.

2013, I was in 10th grade, worked my ass off to gain that 8.6 CGPA and fell in love, was allowed to go out with friends and do awesome things!

I also had my first phone. 

I miss that peak, I was transformed into something so better, I wanted to have her again...

April 2013-2015, Depression hit in my senior high, was getting a little suicidal sometimes but I remembered how hard it would be for my fam if I was not around. It would be sad even after I left. I thought it's better to struggle, survive and emerge a survivor post senior high. And that's exactly what I did.

I kept in mind, that lil naive girl from 2012... learning about plants and falling in love with them. She wanted to pursue her PhD in Botany.

She even knew which college in the city she wanted to get into. She knew her dreams and was so confident with all the innocence of the great big world out there. She dared to dream, she dared to walk down the path no matter what because it was important second to O2.

2015-2018, Peak years, Graduate school. I had gotten into the same college I had wished for when I was in 10th. 

It seemed as if dreams would come true If you pursue it with all you've got.

I live with Nani, my maternal grandmum who cared for me, not as a child but as an adult. I realized I was way too pampered within my 4 walls as an introvert.

Being around her, made me a little more receptive to the world and responsible to my fam.

Those 2 years of adjusting to a person you've never lived with paid off in my final year. The final year of grad was hectic, literally, neither time to breath nor time to die. But she understood me in those 2 years as I did her and so navigating my final year was frosting on a pastry! It was Smooth!!

That was my peak. 2018.

I also got into my Master's Course.

Unfortunately (or fortunately) in the same college where I had completed my Bachelors from.

The department knew me like Krebs Cycle. 

But I guess y'all should realize. Every peak must have a base. Well, I had bases and valleys.

Bases were times when, although everything shits you and screws you over, you can handle yourself one day at a time or a week at a time. 

Valleys were not days, they were seasons. Seasons of depression, anxiety and the feeling of never being enough, never doing enough or never doing something worth it. It was hard to eat, hard to sleep, hard to breathe, hard to wake up, hard to exist.

Every day, my existence would scream silently. Enduring words and noises and I used to turn to music. Shun all the words that make me sad, shun all the noise that makes me sick of myself.

I had such bases. My bases were in 2001-2002. UKG was bad, or as much as I remember - Sad. I don't remember much from Grade 1 or 2.

2004 sucked hard, I had come to this new school. Again, hardly remember anything cause of my superpower to live in the moment or oblivion in a snap.

I do remember 7th & 8th were not so fun., but got used to it, 8th was when I had a crush on this guy from my class, so again, running into oblivion and daydreaming about the guy kept me away from the drama the school had to offer me.

And I've already stated about the depressing times in 2013-2015. I hardly had friends who'd talk to me.

Since 2018 has been done and dusted.

I'm in a mess right now. 2020 and 2021 have hit me hard and how.

Although, I believe I'm transitioning to something better. It's coming. I know it is, I think I'm trying to get there. 

It's like I'm walking a 5km tunnel (metaphorically where every 1km is a year), and I can see nothing but a very faint light at its end. It's all foggy.. but I know I have to keep ongoing.

This year was worse than 2020, the pandemic has shifted everyone's angle on life. But to me, it put me on a path.

This stupid path of trying various jobs to find my right fit, until I hear my calling. 

Probably 2022 is going to be nice. 2022 is going to be my climb to my 2023 peak. 

I won't risk it. I'll give it my all.

Also, shout out to Music. Thank you for being by my side when I was alone, scared or hurt. Especially to give me hope in life when I was suicidal or hopelessly in love

R

22.11.2021

20.43

On Celtic Love Knots and Love

I look at my Mehendi, that 1 design I keep repeating, them Celtic love knots... I look at myself in the bathroom mirror and go like, "I keep waiting for you, but you never come"
And then, I realise, Love is not mine only... it is meant to be shared.
Love is welcome into my life and as it comes on day one, it must leave one day too.

Maybe it did. Maybe I labelled love as "teenage hormones", maybe I labelled love as "admiration", maybe I was blinded by the beauty it brought I forgot to acknowledge that Love was standing in front of me or beside me, wearing the same jhumka or sharing coffee at break or buying cheese crackers along with a line or 2 of how I wish them well, sharing DW references and anime references... Maybe, I didn't realize love was in my life.

Maybe, I wrote a letter to my love and they wrote back, reminiscing the times when we used to study together

A Celtic Love Knot: Represents love between two people that is strong, eternal and forever

Maybe Love supported me while I went to a familiar but strange place, helped me pick myself up when the arena of fond memories tarnished and broke me

Maybe Love taught me to be more considerate and understanding of people in my life

Maybe Love is still in my life, who arrived 2 years, 4 months and 24 days before me

Maybe Love gave birth to me? That seems weird. That's my mum.

Maybe Love is not a person but a feeling you... a feeling to be yourself post a comfortable zone you and th3y have made for you.

But how would you know it's love when you are always your complete idiotic self, silly and goofy, immature, a pain in the a$$ and unsure of yourself carrying all the scars and insecurities?

Do you realise it as you cannot live without them?
Do you realise it, when you learn that you can live without them but choose not to?
Do you realize it, when you yearn for their presence... their eyes, their smile, their voice and their touch..  all for yourself?

What is love? Is it possible to love, without accepting them completely? Is it possible to love, without understanding them?
Will I ever have it? When will I experience my share? And If I did, I'd really like to go back in time to tell them, maybe just one more time... to know the face love wore..  and whisper,

I love you, you make my life better and thanks for being a part of me.

R
12.09.2021
11.51

understand me

You say you dont understand her

You been with her throughout her life, being born in your presence and yet you say you dont understand her

Thats sad. Heres a quickie, Have you accpeted her for all that she is?

Her beauty and her ugly?

Her calm and her chaos?

Her mind and soul?

Her body and heart?

Her breath and her words?

Understand, she is a complex contraction creating a paradox of her own life, living in reality and the oblivion, the all knowing subconscious and the afraid unknown conscious

All at the same time, quantum and grande

If you can understand all that her mind does to her

You'll understand her too

If not too immediately

Eventually

R

14.30

16.11.2021

Quarantine sickness

I am sick of it.
I am sick of this quarantine, and cannot wait for it to get over.

I am pretty sure you feel the same way about it too, somewhere deep inside, you want all of this to get over so you can step out into the sun, hustle at your workplace, get to board meetings on time, get to your schools and colleges on time and most important of all - meet people, human and flesh and bones and smiles, not so far away and within a arms' limit distance.
You can touch them and shake hands or hug or kiss them, play pranks on them, and still have fun; amidst the chaotic sleep cycle that we've all inculcated, after all, we are all social animals - who needs to look after their society and needs the community to look after them in return along with animal-like qualities such as honesty, loyalty, dedication, determination and sometimes with an attitude of no fucks to give.

It's going to take a long time till we come back to our routine lifestyle of waking up, attending work/study and meeting people and mingling, but until then we need to keep our mental, physical and emotional health safe.
Especially make sure we don't ruin our own sleep cycle, and many of us would state "It's important to practice discipline" but let me ask you Have you ever felt low, and unmotivated despite having a day plan? Well, it's quarantine, it's the novel Corona Virus Disease '19 and I expect you all to follow a timetable with a wee bit of relaxation. It's not a vacation, It's not a joke either.

Relax, spend time with family, talk out your problems, if you cannot find one solution to it, end it; don't postpone it because later it will come to you if you don't want to go to it.
And maybe, don't spend too much time with your family too - because I strongly believe in this: "Too much or too little of anything is too bad" So, take some time out from your family - do some things on your own - like watch a movie in a different language or read a book or write down something, and of course what's been said the most concerning professional life - Learn something new for your career.

But until you take your first step to it - don't give up on it because you are interested one day and disinterested the next; you can always shuffle between a lot of things and remember to laugh. or smile, don't lose your ikigai.

I just lost mine, the days feel like a piece of shit. 

R

06/05/2020 13:16

sharad purnima poem

I walk the gully streets outside my home

The pre winter breeze chills the city

Makes me feel like I'm back in heaven city

I close my eyes and feel the chillness seep through my skin

The air carries the sandal fragrance of Shri Krishn and Rose fragrance of Shri Radha

I lift my face up towards the sky, smiling

Opening my eyes I see two stars nearby the glorious full moon

Big, bright, a mild off white

I take a step forward, the moon hides behind the leaves of Neem trees consort

Blinking white light amidst the dark green leaves playing peek-a-boo as to tease me

To tease my love for the moon

To tease my love

To him whom I think of

Every night, as the stars shine bright

I smile pacing forward home catching a glimpse one last time, a quick flicker

I close my eyes, smile for a small second

Conscious I walk ahead

In the chill breeze of Vrindavan

R

00.34

21.10.2021