aadi velli rant

Because the full is coming in 2 days and I have a lot of this... "feelings" things I want to dump

So, here you go...

Firat I dumped it to my friends and deleted it before any could read and now Im dumping here coz I know no one will read!

**************************************** I have some questions... *****

I was ready for a relationship, a relation of purity and a bonding of love... but was I truly ready for a marriage?!

My timings and timelines have changed so much... my priorities are in question and I feel like I have an existencial crisis almost every other week.

My body doesnt corporate, i am not able to live up to standards of a 'daughter-in-law' (or so us what I feel)

^ and god save me from that feeling coz I feel like if I keep it all in and keep questioning myself I'll either lose myself or my sanity

 

Am I meant to be here?! Honestly...!!!

Harish keeps telling that I deserve this love and this place but dudee.... major impostor syndrome attacks!! 

Or maybe he's just consolling me for momentaries sake!

 I feel so out of place... the full moon is coming up and I feel so so _buzzed_

Like, something is stirring inside me... I'm cooking, I'm becoming something else... I don't know who I'll be once I'm done

Is it maturing? Is this growing up? Because I don't remember being in anxiety or self hate all the while I experienced "growth" or "maturity"

 I feel like running away sometimes.

 I don't know if journaling will honestly help me anymore... i haven't done it regularly in a long while... and that's another thing that can add on to the list of things I hate myself for.

God, I hate this moment and this feeling... I hate me being like this. 

And I feel so powerless.

I feel so much of self hate

I feel so much of self disgust

How am I to love someone when I find myself incapable of loving me!

 

Self care gaya bh@@d me tel lene!

I'll turn my concenrration to something else perhaps... maybe that'll help temporarily.

Honestly, I feel like running away from this situation. (^not this home)

They deserve better.

Natarajar thunai

Devi sharanam

R

11.49 IST

19. July. 2024

random thoughts on a july tuesday.

It's lunch time here. My in-laws are gonna finish on lunch anf call me downstairs for my meal...

Well, that's a thing that happens when I'm on my periods... but that's not what I actually wanna dump.

I just wanna say... despite Saturday evening and Sunday morning... I somewhat feel I won't be able to do my PhD in and from Athreya.

Maybe I should've finished my PhD before a marriage?

Maybe I should give up on something I've been working for so long!?

I just dont understand... and I feel I did me wrong.

Oh so ambitious and yet I'm... (feeling so lost)

Because I don't want to ever say that getting married was a wrong step.

It was not wrong... brave? Maybe... Foolish of me? Maybe.

Foolish not because I choose him... because I'm going to put him through pain... I should've thought this through. I'm gonna put him through so much and it sucks.

Maybe I don't deserve to be here.. here... at Athreya... as their Daughter-in-law.

********* xxx ******

It just seems sooo impossible today.

Seems like I can neither do my csir exam nor my phd.

Because I took a break to visit my gallery... last year, I was single, with dedication and a strong willed determination to do it... but who knew that I'd get married!

Who knew I'd say yes and my life would change forever... (And I desparately want to believe for the better... becauze my current state of mind is saying otherwise.)

Maybe he can drop CA and I can drop CSIR and settle for something else...

Maybe we aren't meant for great things. 

Maybe we are meant for something else.

But what?! 

I'm so lost and scared and out of phase today.

Maybe I'll just take a break?

I don't know.

Confused, but truly yours, 

R

16. July. 2024

12.36 IST