Poem: When you miss someone...

When you miss someone

With your whole heart

I know it hurts

More than loving them

But in either way

The words are never

Enough, are they?

What can we do then?

Do we use silence?

Or blanks?

Or eyes?

Or paintings?

Music, maybe?

Maybe even then,

it will never be enough

R.K

23.49

29.07.2020

Start with Hope

Start with Hope

He says, in his WhatsApp About

That's a sweet thought.

The next thing I could think of was me starting my job; with a hope that all will be well and I could secure my family and myself financially, at least for the time being.

Start with Hope huh? 

Well, to be honest, I think I did. 

No one would want to start their FIRST EVER JOB INTO THE INDUSTRY without any hope, right?

But, 21 days into it, and I feel like I am not fit for it, at all. Maybe I wasn't designed for this.

I did know I wanted a job, and many a time I thought I'd be a great HR, as the field pinched my fancy now and then, but again, I guess I should've taken clues from my childhood interest - Science, Music, and Arty things that come only as close as to writing (or scribbling, as I call it)

Recently, when I was told to change my title at LinkedIn and He saw it, and LinkedIn kindly notified me as 'He 'Viewed your profile" ' (which was honestly the latest notification I had received from him and also why my second thought about his WhatsApp About reminded me of my "supposed new job") It still gave me jitters though

i. I don't know how much of it that he saw, the first time he saw was some time between 15th Dec and 30th Dec 2019 while I was building my profile. It wasn't complete, but now, it is. I don't know how much of it he saw!

ii. That was the day I knew I wasn't exactly happy with the job and was, in fact, ashamed to tell to anyone - because neither is it something I like to do, as it drifts me away from my domain nor does it allow me to learn/exercise skills that related to my Degree.

(I made a post on it too, find that at https://mylogswords.blogspot.com/2020/07/fish-fingers-custard.html )

I know, and have realized after many warnings given to me by experienced people of all ages and especially my mom; that we don't usually get jobs related to our degrees and all, but to become an HR with s Science background isn't helpful either.

Start with Hope, huh?

I believe, that I did.

And yet, here I am; wanting to quit the job 4 days after I changed my title on LinkedIn!

RK

09.07.2020

17.48

Bad starts, ain't that bad... are they?

A bad Monday ain't a bad start, is it?

The Monday after my birthday, the last Monday of June and the first Monday to the second half of the year. 29^th June 2020, Monday.

Its been troublesome already! I couldn’t sleep properly and I knew when amma was awake to make her hot water concoction with black peppers and Tulsi. I was also awake for a little while when the alarm tried to wake me up at 6, and I clearly remember smashing the battery out of it.

I remember the clock stuck at 5.55 once and thus when I noticed the anomaly for the second time, I woke up; just to find out that the time was 09.07 am on my phone.

 I jumped out of my bed, made it neat, and headed to the kitchen after my toiletries. Made rice, and coffee and hot water that needs to be taken for work. Put the clothes for wash and collected the dried clothes from the stand.

It was 10am already! I rested for a while with Zandu balm for my little upcoming headache.

By 10.15, it was decided that I would be going to the office only if I take a bath in hot water and finish my breakfast! I wasn’t allowed to make the lunch and breakfast which I desperately wanted to do so Mumma could rest for a while.

Anyways, I take my bath with hot water and Dettol... Oh. Boy. I could feel so fresh and warm.

I felt warm. I don’t need a sweater. Bengaluru is not cold. Why even wear a beanie? Is a stole even necessary!?

I don’t know if its because I am a girl, but oh damn I do take a lot of time to get ready, and end up looking like a piece of crap anyways! Maybe its a talent!? Hehe...

I sat down for breakfast at 10 minutes to 11.

I was getting late.

I stepped out of my home by 11.20

I was getting late

I missed 4 busses to work, very conveniently.

I was getting late.

Got to my bus stop, waiting for a miracle

I was getting late.

I didn’t get a bus for 10 minutes straight!

I was getting late.

Any bus that comes my way to my destination is a miracle, because it was almost lunchtime, in essence, lesser frequencies of busses.

And then it came. A 378J.

“Electronic City hogata?” I asked   “Haan, banni!” the conductor replied.

I sent my boss a text stating I will be at the office by 12.45pm. Hopefully, she wouldn’t mind unless I finish my work on time and as per the company schedule.

 

I am still on my way. Hopefully, it's a good day and a good week!

Until later

Take Care, Be Safe.

 

RK

29.06.2020

12.01 PM

 P.S. I am supposed to start work by now! 😭😭😭

 

Day 2: 30.06.2020; Tuesday, 11.18 Am IST

I got my bus, its at JSD: Jammbu Savaari Dinne now.

It's a late bus, that follows to mean the very obvious fact: I am late, again!

Anyways, yesterday was fun! I mean although I was late, the boss lady came a few minutes after my lunch, which means I had so much fun contacting my friends during work! XP

But I must say, I did finish all my tasks for the day and took an extra 30 minutes to compensate for the lost time. My boss was okay with it. So, hey, in the end, all was well.

I did ask Ajith to visit Mom, she was unwell, and he agreed to do so, sweet boy. Funny when I figured out that even the boy was sick himself, which was reported to me by Mom!!

I spent a good amount of time before dinner with my fam and my poems book. I went to my poems' book to update them after dinner too. Along with handling my new poetry Instagram page, that is.

Went to sleep minutes after 00.00

Woke up being hungry and ate Maggi  mine and my sister’s share, and had my coffee

 She has been a bit grumpy with me these days in the mornings, I don’t know what wrong I have done. I felt a warm numbness inside of me so I tuned in to the radio from my moms’ phone. I played it loud via speakers when they played my sister's peppy favorite. Nothing seems to lighten her up! L

I told her a Good Morning with the most happiest puppy face I can come up with and her reply was like as if water was thrown onto the burning ropes of a skyrocket that is used for celebration! L

I don't know what I have done

I don't know what I can do

I said I was leaving for office and she said, “Can you leave early so I can eat?”

I Was like, “Sure!” Amma was furious! She said to Di that it's not the way to talk and all. But I understood, she was hungry and seemed a bit irritated, shit happens and life goes on.. she needs her space and time. All is gonna be swell! J (?)

I took my packed bag, headed to the shoe stand to collect my shoes, applied Vibhudi and Kumkum on my forehead, and left. I was headed to the seats near the Orchid Security. Put my socks and shoes there, sanitized my hands, put ok n a mask, and headed out. “Text me,” Amma says.

I am pissed off already, just... Don't tell me my job?! Please?!

Ugh, whatever. The mask is not settling properly, I tried to handle that and my hair and my earrings, I finally kept my earrings inside. My hair is weird. The masl makes my nose run and my left eye is tearing.

 

It started off as a good day, I don't know where I screwed up, or how I managed to screw it up, but whatever, things can be worse. I just hope for the best.

Also, Today is Pranati’s Birthday!! 😁💗🌷

11.37am IST

 Day 3 - Day 5: No entry for as much for the fact that I used to write these posts when I was traveling to work and I got Work From Home, so... I was unable to write.

I did have thoughts, and I did pen some down; I typed some down too. I just don't know where they are and when they'll be up here

And overall, it wasn't a bad week; but a bad weekend! Haha!! 😂😂

Jesus man! The weekend was so bad... my tweet was: 

I guess what was worse is that people could actually relate to it, and affirmed it, stating they too had spent a full weekend feeling sad. 

P.S Follow me on Twitter at @Radha2697 for live 'Life Banter' and quasi updates on life, and exclusive poems (I write #TwitterOriginals; those poems that were written on twitter first and then made it to the poems blog: www.rkscribbles.blogspot.com ; so, what I am trying to say is; Twitter Bruh! Let's Vibe!)

FISH FINGERS & CUSTARD!

Hi, I just wanna give a heads up, I am typing/posting this on 7/7/2020, almost 16 hours since the incident.

I had written this yesterday, and uh... I am still a little sad about it. 

Also, I know, I have titled the post on "food" with a reference to Doctor Who; but that's just a scene. It's actually something I exclaim when I am upset and wanna say "FCUK!"

Anyways, without further ado; enjoy your read...

Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn it!

He saw my LinkedIn Profile! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

(Cries internally for the whole week and whenever I remember that Senpai had seen, MY UPDATED LINKEDIN PROFILE)

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

It's 17.25 now, 06.07.2020

And Adhoore Break Ke Baad is playing on 95.0 Mirchi

It's a happy song, usually.

Not this time! 😭😭😭😭

Someone gimme an outhouse or something Oh need to hide my face from the world!

Senpai ne mere profile dekhliya! Him of all people in the world.

82 connections and yet, he is the first one to check my LinkedIn Profile while I updated

Koi aur nhi ho sakta tha?!

Now the whole world knows! 😭

That is something all together, I am yet to tell Preetha ma'am, and Padma Mami and Narayan Mama!! They want me to be successful and happy and earn well; and I shall show it to them when I get a job according to my qualifications and stuff like that (mere qualification ke hisaab se, a job in my own field, with good pay, in a reputed company..)

Dr.Preetha Nair would be happy that I got to start somewhere, she'd understand if I tell her the situation. She'd comfort me even. And maybe even tell me to try harder. And woh sab sunke, even I would go back to studying and workshops and online webinars and seminars and all that...

They would understand.

But, what do I tell him? 🥺

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I cannot even handle this.

I feel ashamed.

I feel ashamed of my job! (?)!

I do, I guess. I never thought I'd get into this, not as a start to the industry at least!

I feel bad. About my job.

I want him to ask me the most important question, of all when 1 gets a job,

"Are you Happy?"/"Are you contended?"

Till now, whenever I thought that if anyone asks, I would say, "I cannot say yet, I have just started.."

But now that I think about it, I would say the truth I guess, "I AM NOT. There is a scientist in me, a crazy biotechie, who loves science and biology and biochemistry and metabolic pathways so so much! And she is put to sleep now. Because she would never take up this job! That 'scientist' is a kid, who wanders about things, a lot of things, with a never-ending appetite to know about the unknown especially if it irks her interest" I had to lay that dream to hibernate so that I can live for some more time, borrowing time by doing a job, that has been brought to me because of "my skill" ( which I doubt very very much )

No one would be ready for an Office Admin job of 6k per month. I was. I was soo desperate. And here I am.

Living to support my fam, for just some more time. Being an "Adult", taking up 'Responsibility'

I hate adulting.

I hate my job.

I love my life nonetheless.

And my dream will come true!

Not immediately, but definitely.

R.K

06.07.2020

17.43

P.S. I don't think adulting means to lose out on the joys of life and wonders it's got to offer, so let's live while we can because Life is Short and We Only Live Twice!

But again, balancing or maintaining a balance of being an adult and being a child is essential. Being an adult doesn't mean to "not be a child" but means to be aware of situations and grow up as life throws hurdles and be more mature, to take up responsibility and take pride in it. Do, for the greater good, and be kind to yourself

Now, one may ask, if I am ashamed of my job, do I take pride in it? Yes.

It's not my "dream job" as such and so I am not happy with it, I am a little ashamed, but deep inside there is a part of me that knows that this journey has got things to offer to me than me to attend to the job description. I do take pride in it because I believe it's gonna help me at some point in time. It's gonna help me grow to a better version of myself; besides, I am kinda happy that it kind of pays the bills for a while when things are a little tight (like right now; which is why I was desperate and thus landed in this beautiful mess; I just realized... My feelings are all over the place to this thought I have)