a chapter called JEET

07.44 | 03 December 2022 | Kho Gaye: Taaruk Raina

I really shouldn't be sad... but I don't know how else to write this post.

There's agony lingering within the shadows of sorrow. The sorrow you feel when you've parted from someone or something in your life...

Now, I'm not saying that I lost a friend, but I feel like I did.

Okay... first of all, here is a small prologue to what has happened (and a small summary of 2022)

Hello! Welcome back!! Nope, this blog is not dead; not yet at least XP and I always did plan on writing a blog before 2023 falls on midnight. Yeah... I understand there are 28 more days to the great Gregorian New Year that the entire world celebrates - from Australia and Japan to Canada and Alaska.

But as you know by now, I don't write blogs to publish and get famous or monetize or earn a conversion out of it. I write for the sheer love of writing, typing and the beautiful art of expressing my messy heart.

2022 has been a lot of things... it's been messy for my heart, my mind, my career, family, finance and whatnot! My fiance, with whom I had spent the NYs and I couldn't end up together after many nights of calls and texts and plans and dreams. I almost cleared my GATE exam to become a JRF. I went touring my sisters' new city just to receive an offer letter from a company I thought would never take me in!

I mean, who'd want to bring in a candidate from Bengaluru to Ahmedabad! Were they nuts? No. Bold, maybe. And was I mad enough to accept it for the circumstance and situation that I was in? YES!

I was oh-so adamant that I want to take up a job in a different city. 

Some of the many factors that contributed to the following were:

1. I thought it would be a great idea to have a change in the city
2. I did not want to take up a non-Biotech job in my hometown; I felt ashamed a bit I guess. I kept applying and I got rejected at the technical round...
3. I honestly neither remember applying for this job nor thought I'd get through the application considering I was from very far away.
4. I, if not my family needed the change and the money.

So, I came to this wonderful city, the capital of the westernmost state of India - Gujrat.

Now, here's where the twisty-tangly-weird-wired story starts.

My new job, as a content writer, starts on the 14th of June, a Tuesday. 2-3 weeks later, somewhere between the 28th of June and the 7th of July, there comes a fellow into my office - Jitendra Ganwani.

Yeah... hold on to your seats. I cannot believe myself as I write a post about him. 6 months in my life and I've leached on to him like I cannot survive! What is he... the Eucalyptus to my Koala?

The 1st day he came in, he noticed a sweet girl without her glasses... she is in the blockchain development team. He later walks in, we get introduced and when I ask him where his seat is, he said he doesn't know.

I asked him for his position in the company and introduced myself as the content creator/ writer. He was in Business Development Team. He was the Business Development Executive. I immediately told him, he'll have a cabin of his own in the office present on the 9th floor.

Months passed, and I used to ask his favour and bond for corporates' sake. Soon, in August I was allotted a cabin space of my own. Irony? Mine was right behind his.

I used to notice that he never used to get out and mingle as much with everyone. Very reserved. It's a great quality but he used to have a concerning aura of sadness or sorrow or some days, even depression.

Nonetheless, as days pass, the technical team on the 9th floor were shifted to the upper 12th-floor office, it was just me, him, and the HR.

I never used to think of Jitendra as more than a colleague until recently... and by recently, I should mean, sometime in mid-September I guess. I remember telling myself, I cannot really fall for him, head over heels. LOL, I was sooo wrong. 

What's funny is, as I write this, I am incapacitated to pinpoint that one exact moment when I started having feelings for him. I guess I fell into this madness in my typical style... slowly, unconsciously and willingly. I kept seeing the red flags, and I still do. But I also understand a person comes with a package of merits and faults. 

I just cared for him, damn too much I guess. A bit motherly, a bit Radha-ly, a bit romantically? I really can't punch it in. It's probably somewhere in those unrecorded memories of mine. I just keep feeling without a memory - it feels fantastic, and may be easy to move on to!

Maybe it wasn't those types of electronic conversations but the ones we have organically. Just a random topic about life, a naturally free-flowing conversation... the feeling of ''Hey1 This is noice!'

Maybe it was the sunsets he used to post at 18.4x in August-September. Maybe it was the music or his insights on many things I'm unaware of... it's not wrong when Irene Adler said, "Brainy is the new sexy." but, I think it's a better fit to say, "Brainy is always sexy!"

I realized sometime in late September or early October that I kinda liked him. After brushing my heart and the feelings aside for too long, I finally asked a friend of mine who clearly not to go ahead with it coz it'll be my heart that was in trouble. This is a shout-out to her. 

Divya! I'm so sorry, I broke my heart again. But hey! This time they are mendable pieces. I hope I can mend them in time for 2023 NYs. Besides, Mansa and Shravya plan to come. I'm too excited.

Also, 2 life updates, to you and my general readers:

1. Being away from home, especially during the wedding season - SUCKS. Everyone is getting engaged or married and although my marital or love life is going nowhere... I'm unable to enjoy while being present at theirs too!
2. I resumed my podcast. It's RTOAN: Random Talks Of A Nobody. Currently streaming the S3. The December Diary series, It's where I try to record a piece of my heart and the events of the day in the podcast and upload it. It can be found on Anchor and Spotify

I also reached out to my HR on my 9th birthday this year. when I gave both of them a treat. He too, as a friend and wise advisor told me not to get into it.

And just like that, in 2 weeks, I got over him as a crush, I really did. Until I took a very stupid 'friendly' crazy decision.

I decided to visit him at his home. 

Well, I actually only wanted to meet him and make him come out from his nest in the excuse of rest, because he was working from home that day. But I ended up being on a call with him for more than 20 minutes, behind the Guddu Kachori Centre. I spoke to his friend-cum-flatmate too. The friend passed on his address and I visited his place at 8.30 pm.

I reached home by 9.45 that night. I brought Kachoris for them and a samosa for me. I had dinner at home and crashed into bed.

This was on 31st October. The following November. That's when everything started changing.

He became nicer and I became more stupid. We had conversations during Shaam ki karari chai, when we were at home, at random, and sometimes on a call. Sometimes a headache from not responding to my texts. hayee is ladke ka kya karun main! main jaan kahata hai, itna bhaav khane ke bhavjuud! ufff!

I have seen almost 30 shades of Jitendra during that time... it was fun, crazy, cute, real, hurting, caring and most of all... every moment with him gave me nothing but sukoon.

A feeling of peace that I've been searching for in my life, despite the chaos. Every moment I spend with him is always gone from my memory in a flash but I hope he remembers.

And so, almost every moment spent with him is like waking up from a beautiful dream that I cannot remember after I wake up. But the feeling of sukoon lingers within me. A feeling of fika when he's around and the feeling of Saudade when he's not there.

Until recently, he spoke of his crushes in a list that made me want to help him find his love and wrench my heart for I was not on the list. He even spoke of one of our colleagues... who is very clearly out of his league. 

As am I, from his.

After the call, I refreshed quickly, grabbed my coffee and went to see the sunrise for the day.

I had only one thought then, "What am I doing? He speaks to me about his crushes, like a normal 23-year-old... so who am I in his life?"

I immediately felt like an idiot. I cannot crush on a guy who has a long list of crushes with standards who are wayyyy above mine - they're too pretty with their dresses, hair, voice and poise. I... I have none of that!

I am his senior. He confides in me. I cannot make it more romantic than what it is in my head!!

Jitendra, if you're reading this,

I am sorry and not sorry. I loved loving you. Loved spending time with you. I secretly look forward to more but this time I shall keep a guard on my heart to love you like a fool. Treat me as I am to you. I promise to be a dear friend.

Funny, I confessed to mum and she asked me to ask you out on a date! XP Sacchi!

and that's for this session of my verbal therapy guys. I'll see ya in the next blog, hopefully on the 1st to wrap my 2022! Alternatively, if you want to listen to my 2022 wrapped, you can head over to my podcast and listen to S3E1: 2022 Summary and December Diary Day 1

P.S. in the meanwhile, I had my peanut butter sandwich, went to the loo, published another post, spoke to Jeet on IG, posted my sunrises of the day... and finished writing this at 11.21 am IST.

Oh! JEET? that's short for Jitendra, if you hadn't figured it out yet ;) 

I don't know how this chapter is going to go, or going to end, but I hope it's kind to him more than it is to me.

08 Dec | 23.42

He resigned on the 4th at 15.43 IST.

I didn't know about this until the HR told me in the morning.

We were in conversation till yesterday and he didnt even tell me once. 

I went to meet him post work. We spoke. I am upset about his resignation, worried too. But he's just 23. Its supposed to be messy. There alright.

I finished my podcast recording and publishing at his terrace.

I confessed my crush to him... showed my chat with mum. He teased me on the same. Lol. They'd just toss my heart around and I wouldn't mind! 😉

I also showed the weird screenshot I took of the call... he told me to delete it and i was like, "not a chance ;)"

And then I said it would go up the blog... showed him my blog archive... took him a minute to release the blog dedicated in his name! 🤣🤣🤣

He had a decent day today. Helped his friend get meds, spoke to Uncle, met people... dropped me home.

My day? You can hear about it on the podcast!

Now, one should really not ask why I like him... देखो, कभी कभी ना, एसे अच्छी गलतियाँ होती हैं where your crush is a nice guy... makes you laugh, is a decent human being with an aura so magnetic for no apparent reason!

हमेशा, बेवजह उसके साथ time spend करना चाही। जब जब वो office मैं नहीं होता तब तब दिन तोडा बकवास होता हैं। i always used to look forward to seeing him... such a typical crush thing to do na..? XP

Aur yeh launda puchta hai, mujhme hai kya? Like, "क्या देखा मुझमे" ka variation...

अब मैं भी क्या ही बताउं। के, "मैं तुमारे प्यार मैं अंधी थी"? And then started listing out those 'wanna be' boys qualities...

'Na guitar hai', 'Na same stream hai', 'Hamesha dissapoint karta hoon, ignore karta hoon, rude hoon' 

Like mujhe kya pata dude! I didnt fall in love with you for any particular reason, but your heart. 

Thoda messy, thoda crazy hai. Thoda pagal hai, thoda mast hai.

Its funny, coz as I write this, I really want to know the story from his POV.

Heh, when I started my sentence saying, "I had a crush on you when..." "on the first day!" He said... 😆

'Twas the last week of September when i realized that I had a crush on him.

Well, I knew we had a bond on the first day. Didn't know I'd fall for him though.

This time, having a crush on him,  felt like sugar melting in black tea. Slowly, steadily, uncannily, unaware when I caught feelings and a cold in the moment of changing seasons.

He kept saying, "Chalo!" and I kept getting sad. But that's alright... 

I can work on getting over him, while we continue to be friends. 

At least I can try.

Oh Jeet, if you're reading this, I really do care for you, always will. Love ya dost 🌷.