“Don’t Hate People” she said. My mother.
I am not sure if that came because I hate her husband, whom I consider no longer my father or because sometimes I am just so evil and no one knows it yet. Even so recently, I had once quoted, “Everyone is a nice person till we see their bad side, and then, everyone is bad!” and surprisingly, they agreed with me. For that statement, I believe it is, unfortunate that it is true. Don’t you think so?
I think so because I am so.
I have observed people and a part of me has oft caught myself noticing people. She knows, the inner me, she knows how she attacks the people whom she hates, despises, and hurts her. Most of the time, until 18 months ago to be precise, I used to cry when I used to get angry, but these days I scream and throw tantrums and go bat-shit crazy. Displaying Anger is not my forte, so I need to practice the emotion and evolve to understand why I get upset or angry in the first place. I need to evolve and mature to recognize that anger is a secondary emotion.
Hatred, such a strong negative emotion. Makes us angry, makes us wanna take revenge and fills us with vengeance and then what becomes of us? I believe, we become the thing we have been running away from all our lives... we become our worst nightmare come true. We become the monster we were once petrified of. You cannot and must not kill yourself but the monster.
While it's true that one cannot drive out Hate with Hate, but with Love. So, we got to show some kindness to the monster and tell them that the world is still a good place, maybe its only 0.1% good, place your bets there as if you were to survive because you must.
I used to believe and still do that Monsters are nothing more than hurt creatures, a kind soul that has been rotted by the negativity of the world with no helping hand to pull the silently screaming being out from the darkness and bad things, to bring them to the light with guidance and love.
It's sad. Very sad actually. Alas, what’s done is done and cannot be undone, and if it can be undone them we must act on it as soon as possible. Because the sooner the better, yeah? But what if someone had to go through the pain to become a stronger person
Like, for me, I am such an awful person when I am angry because I don’t know to portray anger like normal people. Maybe this time is for me to learn how to portray it and grow better as an individual.
Hatred and Forgiveness? It's still a long way for me to go. I don’t think I am such a nice person that you’d give me a scar and I’d cherish it as a farewell present. You give a scar, you’ll cry too. That’s for sure.
I often do ask this to myself, “Are people worthy of your anger?” “Are people worthy of your hatred?” and most, unfortunately, “Are people worthy of your forgiveness?”
My heart is like a fruit, and to take care of others' needs, I peel it open and let them use it for their satisfaction. Well, that’s neither fair and nor kind.
So for people who don’t deserve my anger, I let go.
For those who don’t deserve my hatred, I get pissed for a temporary moment in time; which has a side effect of keeping in every memory that we cherished together with a bitter aftertaste.
For those who don’t deserve my forgiveness, they just don’t get me back in their lives.
You’ve hurt me once, should’ve finished the job of killing me from the inside on one go… times up. You cannot enter my life to make it worse anymore. Okay, thanks for staying and giving me life lessons, out from mg life forever. P.S. I don’t care if you are alive or dead.
Because If I had to forgive you, without you seeking it, I would’ve. I actually would have.
But were you worthy of it?! No? Then get away from me, as farther away as possible.
Thanks for making my life hell.
And oh, I won't forgive you at least until you can give me a freaking detailed explanation for your shitty behavior, I can be kind enough to consider that... maybe.
It's probably a long way for me to go, I still need to be immune to human acts of hurting others and being hurt and dealing with the pain and the healing process; and so, forgive my evolving self if I hurt unintentionally.
As for Hatred and Forgiveness huh? I guess they are somehow linked to each other and am pretty sure they aren't detached from me.
I hope I inculcate Forgiveness and Mercy soon enough to die as a good soul.
Also, uh, thanks for letting me rant and pour my heart out yo!
Peace yo!
RK / 25.06.2020 / 11.47 am
