2023 summary: This year was nothing special, but...

hey, look in and you might find all the special little moments that made the year an amazing album!

I know it's been long since you've had a post and I too wanted to write... but what can I tell you now? Oh yeah, a summary of this year so far... because there's always one post between May- September that wraps up and updates everyone as to what's been going on.

And then again, where do I start from? You already knew what happened to me and Jitendra, Our souls were vibing at a level the universe could find magical... but magic doesn't last forever. Love does.

And I'm sure he carries my memories and my essence within his soul, somewhere deep inside. I just know it, but I'll accept if someone says it's all in my head.

Thank god that Prashant sir kept me busy with work otherwise I'd never be able to come out of that emptiness that was within me. og and the fact that my behenlog came over to Amh'd for the NYs' celebration was just.... soul-saving because otherwise, I'd been dysfunctional with memories of a friend occupying my mind.

Swiftly, 2 months passed by. I got a gift from ferns and petals for Di, apart from the chocolate box obviously. That Krishna was soo beautiful! 💖💖

oh! And those 2 wintery months were painful!! Why? Well, my blood-brain barrier thought it was absolutely okay to have a sinus infection. I thought I was dying!! I used to apply balm almost every day - esp after lunch.]

Come April, I went back home for my dad's 60th. We held a puja then and I was trying to get things done - groceries, flowers, arrangements as much as I could.

I went back on the 24th, a little late to work. Mind you, I made a friend outta a stranger who was experiencing his first day in the city.

I was too tired from all the pooja, celebrations and visits from Bengaluru, and to include a super early morning flight at 5 am (Yeah, I slept for like, 90 minutes tops, that's it)... I was super groggy and fazed.

But the fellow passenger was a new fellow, and I just knew I had to help them out. It was then that I ended up giving my number to my new Ahmedabad buddy from Andra.

Well, come 30th April, I'll always remember how friends make the world a better place, because when I was so damned alone in that beautiful city.. we went to check out the neat stuff of Ahmedabad city, had street food and he dropped me home like a gentleman that he was!

Over the next weekend, I gave in my resignation on the 10th. Come the 14th, we'd gone to Rani ki Vav, Sahastraling Talav, and Modhera Surya Mandhir with his friend who tagged along with us.

She and he had been close buddies since middle school. [i think one of them is in love with the other, but they aren't saying it... that's all!][lol, sweet young love]

Anywho, May had its madness and fun... I was experiencing everything in Ahmedabad for the first time and the last... summer night walks with Komal di and Sandwiches with Hardi bhen... oh and not to forget how we were melting in the summer heat without an air cooler or conditioner..! :( 

And then comes May 30th, the last day. I was officially done being a content writer-HR assistant-Ed-Tech assistant-Business manager-all for a little while... but on the evening of 7.30 of 30th May - I WAS DONE.

I really had an emotional fortnight previous to my last day... I really counted on spending time with my Behenlog, Bhailog, and the new kiddos in the block... Spending time with Hardi, Gaurav, and Karishma on the last days was super comforting! <3

I love my friends from Ahmedabad, I miss them and I carry my memories as a reminder that the nicest of things can exist for a short time and still give you a heartwarming memory.

Well, did you know that I'd have an exam 5 days after my last day? Well, I didn't until a week prior... so heh, I had 5 days to study for the biggest exam ever. And I did. I studied my ass for 5 days and got around 80 percentile (I didn't qualify though - I mean IT'S THE BIGGEST EXAM NATION WIDE FOR a SEAT IN A RESEARCH INSTITUTE!! THE ENTIRE NATION IS COMPETING!

So, yeah, within a week of the exam, I was back home. I was supposed to stay with my homemates for another 6 months though. Oh well, fun when it lasted I guess. And to be honest, Ahmedabad treated me like the adult I was supposed to be - I was happily bound to responsibilities and work with a busy 'adult' life... mannnn I miss that so so much!!

Cut to June 20th, I was going with my MA and PA for a round of puja that we were supposed to do. July was the time I started tuition classes to continue my income and savings that I was supposed to do this year... so, in short - very happy that I could teach again!

Oh. and not to forget a mention, I met Nani and visited the DD office in Lucknow!! Bhaaiyyaaaar what a place, IITR was another highlight of that short trip.

During my stay in Lucknow, we grabbed the opportunity to stop by Varanasi and Ayodhya (Ram Janma Bhumi) and then made it back to this city [I was taking tuitions online for the fortnight and resumed quickly] 

Ever since August, every day has been pretty much the same - there were sad moments, I went to a fitness class, I used to study and my classes used to go on in the evenings... Come October, I grew fond of the divine through Vinay Varanasi. Life continued to happen and I happened to play to its strings...

Well, days have been crazy for the last 5 weeks... and my students have their pre-boards going on... The exam stress is in the air like CRAZY!! Not to forget a special mention of the fact that I'm getting my driver's licence soon :)

Ah, well, I'm having another exam in another 5 weeks... god help me! :)

Oh, and, I might get married next year... being so calm about it helps with the age and expectation with the fact that I too [more like, "someone like me"] can get married to someone... chosen by someone... :)

heh, a short post for a long year... 365 days of fun and frolic, reduced to the most special moments that were present in this year... and I'm grateful for everyone who's showered their love and blessings on me, wised me well and have supported me through this year.  :)

Thank you for the support, the love, and reading :)

Merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year 2024!

love,
R
26-Dec 2023
00.46

a chapter called JEET

07.44 | 03 December 2022 | Kho Gaye: Taaruk Raina

I really shouldn't be sad... but I don't know how else to write this post.

There's agony lingering within the shadows of sorrow. The sorrow you feel when you've parted from someone or something in your life...

Now, I'm not saying that I lost a friend, but I feel like I did.

Okay... first of all, here is a small prologue to what has happened (and a small summary of 2022)

Hello! Welcome back!! Nope, this blog is not dead; not yet at least XP and I always did plan on writing a blog before 2023 falls on midnight. Yeah... I understand there are 28 more days to the great Gregorian New Year that the entire world celebrates - from Australia and Japan to Canada and Alaska.

But as you know by now, I don't write blogs to publish and get famous or monetize or earn a conversion out of it. I write for the sheer love of writing, typing and the beautiful art of expressing my messy heart.

2022 has been a lot of things... it's been messy for my heart, my mind, my career, family, finance and whatnot! My fiance, with whom I had spent the NYs and I couldn't end up together after many nights of calls and texts and plans and dreams. I almost cleared my GATE exam to become a JRF. I went touring my sisters' new city just to receive an offer letter from a company I thought would never take me in!

I mean, who'd want to bring in a candidate from Bengaluru to Ahmedabad! Were they nuts? No. Bold, maybe. And was I mad enough to accept it for the circumstance and situation that I was in? YES!

I was oh-so adamant that I want to take up a job in a different city. 

Some of the many factors that contributed to the following were:

1. I thought it would be a great idea to have a change in the city
2. I did not want to take up a non-Biotech job in my hometown; I felt ashamed a bit I guess. I kept applying and I got rejected at the technical round...
3. I honestly neither remember applying for this job nor thought I'd get through the application considering I was from very far away.
4. I, if not my family needed the change and the money.

So, I came to this wonderful city, the capital of the westernmost state of India - Gujrat.

Now, here's where the twisty-tangly-weird-wired story starts.

My new job, as a content writer, starts on the 14th of June, a Tuesday. 2-3 weeks later, somewhere between the 28th of June and the 7th of July, there comes a fellow into my office - Jitendra Ganwani.

Yeah... hold on to your seats. I cannot believe myself as I write a post about him. 6 months in my life and I've leached on to him like I cannot survive! What is he... the Eucalyptus to my Koala?

The 1st day he came in, he noticed a sweet girl without her glasses... she is in the blockchain development team. He later walks in, we get introduced and when I ask him where his seat is, he said he doesn't know.

I asked him for his position in the company and introduced myself as the content creator/ writer. He was in Business Development Team. He was the Business Development Executive. I immediately told him, he'll have a cabin of his own in the office present on the 9th floor.

Months passed, and I used to ask his favour and bond for corporates' sake. Soon, in August I was allotted a cabin space of my own. Irony? Mine was right behind his.

I used to notice that he never used to get out and mingle as much with everyone. Very reserved. It's a great quality but he used to have a concerning aura of sadness or sorrow or some days, even depression.

Nonetheless, as days pass, the technical team on the 9th floor were shifted to the upper 12th-floor office, it was just me, him, and the HR.

I never used to think of Jitendra as more than a colleague until recently... and by recently, I should mean, sometime in mid-September I guess. I remember telling myself, I cannot really fall for him, head over heels. LOL, I was sooo wrong. 

What's funny is, as I write this, I am incapacitated to pinpoint that one exact moment when I started having feelings for him. I guess I fell into this madness in my typical style... slowly, unconsciously and willingly. I kept seeing the red flags, and I still do. But I also understand a person comes with a package of merits and faults. 

I just cared for him, damn too much I guess. A bit motherly, a bit Radha-ly, a bit romantically? I really can't punch it in. It's probably somewhere in those unrecorded memories of mine. I just keep feeling without a memory - it feels fantastic, and may be easy to move on to!

Maybe it wasn't those types of electronic conversations but the ones we have organically. Just a random topic about life, a naturally free-flowing conversation... the feeling of ''Hey1 This is noice!'

Maybe it was the sunsets he used to post at 18.4x in August-September. Maybe it was the music or his insights on many things I'm unaware of... it's not wrong when Irene Adler said, "Brainy is the new sexy." but, I think it's a better fit to say, "Brainy is always sexy!"

I realized sometime in late September or early October that I kinda liked him. After brushing my heart and the feelings aside for too long, I finally asked a friend of mine who clearly not to go ahead with it coz it'll be my heart that was in trouble. This is a shout-out to her. 

Divya! I'm so sorry, I broke my heart again. But hey! This time they are mendable pieces. I hope I can mend them in time for 2023 NYs. Besides, Mansa and Shravya plan to come. I'm too excited.

Also, 2 life updates, to you and my general readers:

1. Being away from home, especially during the wedding season - SUCKS. Everyone is getting engaged or married and although my marital or love life is going nowhere... I'm unable to enjoy while being present at theirs too!
2. I resumed my podcast. It's RTOAN: Random Talks Of A Nobody. Currently streaming the S3. The December Diary series, It's where I try to record a piece of my heart and the events of the day in the podcast and upload it. It can be found on Anchor and Spotify

I also reached out to my HR on my 9th birthday this year. when I gave both of them a treat. He too, as a friend and wise advisor told me not to get into it.

And just like that, in 2 weeks, I got over him as a crush, I really did. Until I took a very stupid 'friendly' crazy decision.

I decided to visit him at his home. 

Well, I actually only wanted to meet him and make him come out from his nest in the excuse of rest, because he was working from home that day. But I ended up being on a call with him for more than 20 minutes, behind the Guddu Kachori Centre. I spoke to his friend-cum-flatmate too. The friend passed on his address and I visited his place at 8.30 pm.

I reached home by 9.45 that night. I brought Kachoris for them and a samosa for me. I had dinner at home and crashed into bed.

This was on 31st October. The following November. That's when everything started changing.

He became nicer and I became more stupid. We had conversations during Shaam ki karari chai, when we were at home, at random, and sometimes on a call. Sometimes a headache from not responding to my texts. hayee is ladke ka kya karun main! main jaan kahata hai, itna bhaav khane ke bhavjuud! ufff!

I have seen almost 30 shades of Jitendra during that time... it was fun, crazy, cute, real, hurting, caring and most of all... every moment with him gave me nothing but sukoon.

A feeling of peace that I've been searching for in my life, despite the chaos. Every moment I spend with him is always gone from my memory in a flash but I hope he remembers.

And so, almost every moment spent with him is like waking up from a beautiful dream that I cannot remember after I wake up. But the feeling of sukoon lingers within me. A feeling of fika when he's around and the feeling of Saudade when he's not there.

Until recently, he spoke of his crushes in a list that made me want to help him find his love and wrench my heart for I was not on the list. He even spoke of one of our colleagues... who is very clearly out of his league. 

As am I, from his.

After the call, I refreshed quickly, grabbed my coffee and went to see the sunrise for the day.

I had only one thought then, "What am I doing? He speaks to me about his crushes, like a normal 23-year-old... so who am I in his life?"

I immediately felt like an idiot. I cannot crush on a guy who has a long list of crushes with standards who are wayyyy above mine - they're too pretty with their dresses, hair, voice and poise. I... I have none of that!

I am his senior. He confides in me. I cannot make it more romantic than what it is in my head!!

Jitendra, if you're reading this,

I am sorry and not sorry. I loved loving you. Loved spending time with you. I secretly look forward to more but this time I shall keep a guard on my heart to love you like a fool. Treat me as I am to you. I promise to be a dear friend.

Funny, I confessed to mum and she asked me to ask you out on a date! XP Sacchi!

and that's for this session of my verbal therapy guys. I'll see ya in the next blog, hopefully on the 1st to wrap my 2022! Alternatively, if you want to listen to my 2022 wrapped, you can head over to my podcast and listen to S3E1: 2022 Summary and December Diary Day 1

P.S. in the meanwhile, I had my peanut butter sandwich, went to the loo, published another post, spoke to Jeet on IG, posted my sunrises of the day... and finished writing this at 11.21 am IST.

Oh! JEET? that's short for Jitendra, if you hadn't figured it out yet ;) 

I don't know how this chapter is going to go, or going to end, but I hope it's kind to him more than it is to me.

08 Dec | 23.42

He resigned on the 4th at 15.43 IST.

I didn't know about this until the HR told me in the morning.

We were in conversation till yesterday and he didnt even tell me once. 

I went to meet him post work. We spoke. I am upset about his resignation, worried too. But he's just 23. Its supposed to be messy. There alright.

I finished my podcast recording and publishing at his terrace.

I confessed my crush to him... showed my chat with mum. He teased me on the same. Lol. They'd just toss my heart around and I wouldn't mind! 😉

I also showed the weird screenshot I took of the call... he told me to delete it and i was like, "not a chance ;)"

And then I said it would go up the blog... showed him my blog archive... took him a minute to release the blog dedicated in his name! 🤣🤣🤣

He had a decent day today. Helped his friend get meds, spoke to Uncle, met people... dropped me home.

My day? You can hear about it on the podcast!

Now, one should really not ask why I like him... देखो, कभी कभी ना, एसे अच्छी गलतियाँ होती हैं where your crush is a nice guy... makes you laugh, is a decent human being with an aura so magnetic for no apparent reason!

हमेशा, बेवजह उसके साथ time spend करना चाही। जब जब वो office मैं नहीं होता तब तब दिन तोडा बकवास होता हैं। i always used to look forward to seeing him... such a typical crush thing to do na..? XP

Aur yeh launda puchta hai, mujhme hai kya? Like, "क्या देखा मुझमे" ka variation...

अब मैं भी क्या ही बताउं। के, "मैं तुमारे प्यार मैं अंधी थी"? And then started listing out those 'wanna be' boys qualities...

'Na guitar hai', 'Na same stream hai', 'Hamesha dissapoint karta hoon, ignore karta hoon, rude hoon' 

Like mujhe kya pata dude! I didnt fall in love with you for any particular reason, but your heart. 

Thoda messy, thoda crazy hai. Thoda pagal hai, thoda mast hai.

Its funny, coz as I write this, I really want to know the story from his POV.

Heh, when I started my sentence saying, "I had a crush on you when..." "on the first day!" He said... 😆

'Twas the last week of September when i realized that I had a crush on him.

Well, I knew we had a bond on the first day. Didn't know I'd fall for him though.

This time, having a crush on him,  felt like sugar melting in black tea. Slowly, steadily, uncannily, unaware when I caught feelings and a cold in the moment of changing seasons.

He kept saying, "Chalo!" and I kept getting sad. But that's alright... 

I can work on getting over him, while we continue to be friends. 

At least I can try.

Oh Jeet, if you're reading this, I really do care for you, always will. Love ya dost 🌷.